What No One Tells You About Divorce
it's just a piece of paper
I just booked another session with my divorce coach.
I know. I wasn’t expecting that either. I was so excited when our divorce was finalized in November. No more soul crushing legal bills. No more strategy sessions with my coach. Yes, there remained some paperwork, but for the most part, we were finally, blessedly, done.
But that’s when I learned that a marital settlement agreement (MSA) and parenting plan are only pieces of paper. If one of you stops abiding by the agreement, there is really no recourse except to:
plead your case with your ex (leading to the very kind of engagement you hoped to be free from)
go to your lawyer about filing a motion or
give up.
You may have done a thorough job getting those legal documents the way you wanted. But now, you have no way to ensure things go according to that plan unless you are willing to keep paying lawyers.
I should have been more prepared for this. My third Divorce Diaries entry was titled “You Are Never Going Home from This War.” But I didn’t think that would be me.
I didn’t think that would be me. That could summarize everything I’ve been through the last three years.
I never expected we’d get divorced. Never expected we wouldn’t be able to mediate. Never expected that just two months into our official divorced status, we’d already be battling about previous agreed upon split costs despite that well-crafted parenting plan.
We even had stipulations put into our parenting plan to avoid this: a clause that says we will meet with a coparent counselor before taking any legal action if there is a dispute about something within the plan. But both people have to cooperate in the visiting of said coparenting counselor.
This is when women just give up. They don’t want to still be caught in the same struggle that they left their marriages to escape. So they sigh and learn to do without… the support, the reimbursements, any form of coparenting relationship.
I have yet to meet a divorced woman who has not faced some sort of battle post divorce. A battle some keep fighting. But many more just stop. They want it to be over. I don’t blame them. Enough is enough.
This is the unspoken devastation of divorce. That it is never really over and very rarely do women get what the courts or their MSAs or their parenting plans have granted them.
When women leave marriages, they still live in fear of their ex’s for this very reason. Because at any moment, they can stop paying, stop showing up, file a motion, upend everything. To live as a divorced woman with children you share with your ex is to feel precarious, unsteady, constantly on guard. Waiting, always, for that other shoe to drop. For the fighting to begin again. Terrified because your future, and your children, are forever, inextricably tied to someone you wanted to leave in your past.
posted last week about her new Substack and anthology Redacted, where divorced women share stories anonymously of the horrible things that have happened to them during and after divorce. I love this idea and think it is needed. It is part of why I have created The Divorce Diaries. We don’t share these stories due to fear of repercussions, because the men involved are the fathers of our children, because we still live in a culture that prioritizes women keeping their mouths shut. When I responded to her post with my own excitement, I said that I could have titled my memoir The Stories I Have Swallowed.
I love that so much of the discourse on divorce names how empowering it can be. And it is. But there are also times when, yes, you feel like you are never going home from this war. You cannot escape the battle. You can learn to accept that this is the state of things, stop resisting and hoping things will get better. But that doesn’t mean you don’t mourn.
If you relate to this at all, please share in the comments. I know I’m not alone.
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Our divorce was legally over on February 28. I was ordered to pay a small amount of child support. We split extra curriculars and split home repairs (he is staying for two years and I get a larger % later).
He has already told me he can’t afford gymnastics (she was in it before the divorce) and he’s not paying the plumbing bill. So I’m not paying child support. Why did we waste $30,000 on this then? Mind you these things I’m talking about are small hundreds not even close to my attorney fees.
Control
Control
Control
I actually thought he’d be kind of reasonable about things for our daughter since he was so adamant about his son playing football when I first met him….
Nope
I want to start a weekly post about the ridiculous things he says and does and then thinks I’m the selfish crazy and stupid one.
I want everyone to know how he is.
I’m tired of the double standards, the misogyny and him playing the victim. If I did half the things he does I’d be torn apart by his family.
I could go on and on.
I divorced in 2008-2010 (yes, it took 2 years, 2 custody suits, and a 2-day trial). Oh, the stories I could tell! Until 2014, the barrage of emails detailing my incompetent parenting, analyzing my schedule for infractions of the decree, etc etc were relentless. In 2014, my ex sued for custody AGAIN—he really hated that he had to pay taxes! I negotiated that the older of the 2 children still at home could live full-time with my ex. Within 4 months of that agreement, that son quit taking my calls, dropped out of high school, wouldn’t get a job, etc etc. The harassment stopped (finally), but in the long run I lost my son.
Co-parenting was never a term that worked for me/us — it just wasn’t possible with the ex I had. I finally surrendered to the term “parallel parenting” and decided to rebuild from there. Until my last son graduated & the child support ended, I focused on rebuilding my emotional stability. It took ~10 years to regain my financial stability. I worked 2 jobs most of the time, or 1 job & 2 side hustles (I was a teacher, so of course!).
Does it ever end? Well, yes, but not until you finish sharing ANY responsibility for those kids. Again, I have so many stories! Life does find its new normal, but not in the rosy timeframe that ANY divorce advice book ever tells you. I am happy now, have been for quite a while, in spite of 2008-2014. Hang in there! I’m not the same person I was in 2008 or 2014 or 2020. This will change you, and if you let it, it will make you into a wiser, more empathetic woman. A woman who has a LOT of stories to share! Ha! BTW— a divorce coach was the saving grace through all of my journey. We are deep friends to this day.