Getting Real About Married Sex
why wives don't desire marital sex from The Marriage Diaries
When I posited the idea that I expand my series The Divorce Diaries to also include real-life anonymous accounts of marriage, I was overwhelmed by the response. 25 entries to my google form in 24 hours. While this clearly signaled the need for a series of this kind, it was also a lot to disseminate. What would be the best way to share these honest reflections?
So rather than share these stories individually, I’ve decided to divide them by common themes.
One theme emerged quite quickly. Sex is often one of the biggest areas of conflict for couples. I’m not surprised by this, obviously. I have written many posts about this very issue over the years.
Unsurprisingly, there were some respondents who felt pressured to have sex. There were also some who wanted more sex than their spouse. One woman determined after getting married that she was asexual.
But it was shocking to me how many women said they would never have sex with their husbands again if they had the choice.
“I will be fine if I never have sex with a man again.”- just getting divorced after 7 years of marriage
“We would probably not have sex at all if it was up to me. I love sex but my husband does not really care about my preferences and our sex life is boring and unsatisfying.” - married six years with a 9 month old baby
“It’s an obligation every single time. I would never do it if it were up to me.”- married 18 years
“We haven’t had sex in eight months. I always felt pressured to have sex because when I said no he would become angry with me or give me the silent treatment. Right now I’m happy not having sex with him.”- married 17 years
“I would never have sex again and am right now set up to do so which is amazing!”- married 10 years, asexual, opened up her marriage
“I hate sex. It never feels good. My husband has never pressured me but I feel bad that he would have to be celibate if I had it my way.” - married 21 years, may be asexual
“If it were up to me, sex would be off the table completely. I’m more satisfied with my sex toys (which he doesn’t know about).” - married 14 years
Now perhaps my sample size is skewed because the women reading my Substack and thus hearing about the form might already be somewhat dissatisfied in their marriages thus their draw to my work. But sexual incompatibility was a huge component of many of the entries.
As I mentioned in last week’s post, there seems to be a theme for divorced women that, even though they thought they didn’t like sex while married, once out of their marriages they discovered a whole new interest in sex. There are a multitude of likely reasons for this, one of which, as shared, might be the inherent patriarchy in heterosexual married sex (read Celeste Davis’s amazing post here). As well as the idea, as hinted at in the comments above, that sex is part of married life, full-stop. There is no getting out of it, even if you no longer desire it. And as Emily Nagoski writes in Come Together, which yes, I read, even though I have no plans to get into another long-term relationship, perhaps ever, “feeling obligated is among the most universal of brakes-hitting contexts.”
But the other challenge Nagoski notes is that married sex takes place in the context of yes, marriage, and marriage is not truly a romantic relationship, it is a partnership. You are managing a household together and often kids and it takes a lot for women to shift from caretaker/cook/home manager mode into the erotic space. This is why people tend to have more sex on vacation, right? Nagoski includes a chapter about the different emotional floor plans we have and asks her readers to consider what abuts their Lust space. Like, how do you access lust? It is different for each person. But for women in marriages, especially unequal partnerships, transitioning to an erotic state in the midst of your daily married life is damn near impossible.
As I noted in my piece last week, one of the reasons I think it is easy to want sex with the new person I am dating is because I do not see him during the weeks I have my kids. I go from full-time mom mode into a week when I do not have my kids. I am not packing lunches, doing pick ups, carpooling, cooking for them. Thus I can transition much more easily into an erotic state of mind because I’m not taking care of anyone but myself. I will also say that during the weeks that I am not with him, we are able to stay connected via text, sometimes in sweet ways, but other times in sexy ways and thus all that sexual energy and wanting is built up so that when I am able to see him again, dear God, we have pent up energy.
One of the solutions some women find to the issue of not wanting sex with their husbands is open marriage. Four of the respondents to my survey had opened their marriages and there was tangible relief for several of them that finally the obligation to fulfill their spouse’s desires was removed. For others, open marriage seemed to be a stop-gap to divorce until the kids were out of the house. For one, open marriage was the only thing she’s ever known and she feels like she can have her cake, and eat it too.
Read on for a peek behind the curtain in four marriages where they are allowed to sleep with other people.
A QUEER PLATONIC PARTNERSHIP
How long have you been married?
22 years
How old were you when you got married?
3 days shy of 23
Do you have kids? How old are they now?
Two kids, ages 9 and 11
How did they impact your marriage?
They cemented us together one way or another for life. We love them immensely and also know that we're not the life time partners for each other that we thought we were going to be. Currently defining our marriage as a queer platonic partnership. We both have other romantic/sexual partners and we plan to divorce eventually. No animosity between us. Just heaps of care, respect, and love. But it's taken a while to get here.
What is your sexuality?
Queer
Have you attended couples therapy?
Yes for 5 weeks. We stopped when we realized we didn't have to divorce now to live differently.
If you had to do it all over again, would you marry your spouse?
No. He was the "safer" choice, but weren't meant to be lovers.
Have you ever considered opening your marriage?
It's open. We made that choice three years ago and I regret not doing it sooner.
How often do you have sex? Do you ever feel pressured to have sex?
N/a now. Sex was never great. We're incompatible that way.
When do you feel most connected to your spouse?
When we're doing fun things with the kids.
What’s one thing you wish you could change about your marriage?
I would have left it or redefined it sooner.
What are your sleeping arrangements?
Separate rooms.
Have you ever considered divorce?
Yes.
Has there been infidelity?
Yes - he's had a series of emotional affairs and a one off sexual encounter while drinking.
What do you like best about marriage?
Parenting with him.
What do you hate most about marriage?
Having to squelch my rage and anger when it pops up.
OPENING A MARRIAGE UNDER DURESS
How long have you been married?
13 years
How old were you when you got married?
33
Do you have kids? How old are they now?
Two kids, ages 9 and 12
How did they impact your marriage?
They had a major impact. I didn’t feel like my husband was doing his fair share of the child-rearing. That led to a lot of resentment on my part.
What is your sexuality?
Pansexual and on the asexual spectrum
What has been the most challenging time in your marriage?
I got long Covid and went off my rocker. I emotionally — and a couple of times physically — abused my husband for over a year. At the same time, I unilaterally opened up our marriage. It was really hard for him at first. Then, just as I had a medication change and EMDR therapy that brought me back to sanity, he met somebody and fell hard in love. He still resents me for opening the marriage and I’m in a lot of pain that he’s in love with somebody else and not me.
Have you attended couples therapy?
We attended for about six months, pre-Covid. We stopped because we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere and it was expensive.
What is the biggest conflict in your marriage?
The future. Neither of us know if we will want to be married to each other after the kids are gone.
If you had to do it all over again, would you marry your spouse?
I mean yes, because of my kids. Taking the kids out of the equation…I still think yes. It’s the intervening years that I’d change
Have you ever considered opening your marriage?
As mentioned, I was having major mental health problems and very thoughtlessly and carelessly opened our marriage. He was in sex therapy and saying it had nothing to do with me (we weren’t having sex) so I thought I deserved to get my needs met elsewhere. Which might have been true, but still doesn’t excuse how I did it.
How often do you have sex?
We don’t. It used to be that I didn’t want to (I identify as being on the asexual spectrum) and now he doesn’t want to. I’d do it like every six months or so, if he was interested.
When do you feel most connected to your spouse?
When we are working together to solve a problem or talking about the kids.
What’s one thing you wish you could change about your marriage?
I’d speed up his recovery from the terrible way I treated him.
What are your sleeping arrangements?
We share a bed.
Have you ever considered divorce?
Yes, very seriously for the past couple of years. He wants to live with his girlfriend part-time after the kids are gone and I don’t see myself going along with that. I don’t divorce him because I think he deserves more time to recover from the abuse. Also money.
Has there been infidelity?
No.
What do you like best about marriage?
Financially, we’re better off than we would be alone. We split the work. I enjoy the companionship.
What do you hate most about marriage?
The inherent instability in a supposedly stable institution
WHEN AN ALLOSEXUAL AND ASEXUAL PAIR UP
How long have you been married?
10 years
How old were you when you got married?
28
Do you have kids? How old are they now?
One kids, 2 ½ years old
How did they impact your marriage?
We’ve really managed to keep it 50/50. I was so worried that having a baby would destroy this because of everything I read. I rammed this home with my husband during pregnancy and he finally got really upset, saying, what about me makes you think that I will not contribute 50% post baby when I have always done so??? I said - everything I’ve read and my friends’ experience. In the end he totally delivered. I think he was helped by the fact that our daughter was on a feeding tube for 3 months - anyone could feed her. Also, we live in South Africa where we can afford a lot of help. We don’t cook or clean or do our own laundry (cringe). But knowing him, even if we were in the young parent hellscape that is America he would pull his own weight.
What is your sexuality?
Asexual
What has been the most challenging time in your marriage?
Right now. We opened our marriage two years ago because of my asexuality and it was bliss - I didn’t have to have sex ever again!!!! But now we’ve changed the terms so it’s a bit difficult.
Have you attended couples therapy?
We did premarital counseling and go back whenever there is an issue of importance e.g. opening our marriage, deciding not to have a second child.
What is the biggest conflict in your marriage?
Sex, having a second child.
If you had to do it all over again, would you marry your spouse?
YES! He is amazing!!!!!!
Have you ever considered opening your marriage?
Yes, we are open because I am asexual. Original rules were he could hook up when out of our city. That was great for me because it was out of sight out of mind and I didn’t have to have sex ever again!!!! Now, we’ve changed things so he can go on dates in our city, which is much harder because I’m aware of what’s happening.
How often do you have sex? Do you ever feel pressured to have sex?
I would never have sex again, and am set up to do so which is amazing!!!
When do you feel most connected to your spouse?
Every day when we chat about our days.
What’s one thing you wish you could change about your marriage?
I wish he were asexual or I was allosexual. This is really something tough to navigate. I wish I had known seven years earlier that I am asexual. It’s really a lot to ask an allosexual to stay with someone who is asexual. My husband has done it because he is extraordinary, but it’s really not fair.
What are your sleeping arrangements?
Sleep in the same bed.
Have you ever considered divorce?
Yes - being asexual with an allosexual partner - you have to consider divorce.
Has there been infidelity?
No.
What do you like best about marriage?
Him. He’s really so wonderful.
What do you hate most about marriage?
Being asexual.
GETTING MY CAKE AND EATING IT TOO
How long have you been married?
Married twice. The first time for nine years, the second for seventeen.
How old were you when you got married?
28 and 39
Do you have kids? How old are they now?
One kid who is 25
How did they impact your marriage?
It definitely made me see that I couldn’t handle how immature my first husband was and led to our eventual divorce.
What is your sexuality?
Bisexual
Have you attended couples therapy?
Once with the first marriage and I would never again. I was attacked and called an ice princess. My current husband was married to a LCSW and she was not a good person so I have a lot of anger towards social workers. I would consider working one on one with a psychologist, but don’t see a need.
If you had to do it all over again, would you marry your spouse?
Yes, he has pushed me to grow and I am able to work just three days a week with his support. I know he has my back and I always have his. He is my ride or die. Friends come and go but he is always here for me.
Have you ever considered opening your marriage?
I have always had open marriages (both the first and now my second). I originally opened my first relationship before we married because I thought I would lose my mind if I could never feel the joy of when a relationship is new again (who knows, maybe it was a sign I shouldn’t have married the first one). Once I met the second one (while I was still married to the first one) I didn’t know any other way to do it and he wanted it as well. Tried the poly thing, but found living with more than one other adult was too complicated and I didn’t like what it did to my son. Breaking up with a lover is one thing, asking your child to not see an adult they trust and love was a bridge too far for me. My first husband went through a few lovers and it broke my son’s heart when he couldn’t see them anymore. I am bisexual, both my husbands are bisexual and my son is also. Funny, though we all have primary partners of the opposite sex.
How often do you have sex? Do you ever feel pressured to have sex?
2 or 3 times a month. I am happy with the frequency. My husband has no problem masturbating and considers the main event to be cunnilingus, not that we don’t have penetrative sex, it just isn’t centered.
When do you feel most connected to your spouse?
Taking a walk with him and our three dogs at the end of the day and sharing about our day.
What are your sleeping arrangements?
Two twin beds right next to each other.
Have you ever considered divorce?
Not with this one.
Has there been infidelity?
We each have had and continue to have lovers. My most recent was with a woman and before that with an old friend.
What do you like best about marriage?
I always have a plus one. We have pretty divergent tastes in music but we will go to shows for each other. I know he gets me and I get him.
What do you hate most about marriage?
I can’t think of anything that I hate. I kind of have my cake and get to eat it too with this man.
Thank you so much to the women who participated in my survey. If you’d like to share your experiences, go here.
Liking this post, restacking it, or leaving a comment helps it find more readers. And if you consistently find value in the writings on The Mother Lode, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Your financial contribution helps me do this work and signals its value. It also grants you access to all content on The Mother Lode.
ICYMI:
The Marriage Diaries
I’ve been overwhelmed by the response to The Divorce Diaries, a series I started on The Mother Lode when I was hungry for real life divorce stories as I was going through my own. Yet so many of us ke…
Rediscovering Desire
Two years ago I wrote my second post to go viral, Sex Is Not Your Duty. It talked about the pressure wives feel to have sex even when they don’t want to as part of marital maintenance. The post now has almost 90k views. It went viral due to misogynists hating it.
I have discovered the other side of substack
Just read through your intro and all I can say is me too. As soon as I stopped valuing my fertility (eg. having kids), sex and physical intimacy is one of my last priorities.