The Marriage Diaries
a desire to peek behind the curtain
I’ve been overwhelmed by the response to The Divorce Diaries, a series I started on The Mother Lode when I was hungry for real life divorce stories as I was going through my own. Yet so many of us keep the real meat and bones behind closed doors. I decided anonymous interviews would solve that issue and I’ve since published 11 diaries of women at different stages of divorce, from all areas of the country as well as Switzerland and Australia.
But I realize that another area where we gatekeep our stories is real life accounts of marriage.
I’ve been thinking about expanding the diaries format to marriages for a while, but was prompted this past week by a post in a writers group on Facebook. She posited “how do you write about marriage truthfully and stay married?”
I think it is incredibly hard. I remember when Heather Havrilesky (Ask Polly) published Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage several years ago and got eviscerated in the press for how she described her husband. The hosts of The View, in particular, were horrified that she put the truth about marriage on the page. They didn’t disagree with her. They said: “I think that’s all true…but she wrote it down. You don’t say things like that.”
So I thought it might be nice to read about real life marriages. People who are in the thick of it. Yes, many people are deciding to get divorced right now. But just as many decide to stay. What makes them do it? How does it feel? What is the secret to a marriage that lasts?
I remember Gwyneth Paltrow once shared her mother’s comment about how she stayed married for over thirty years to Paltrow’s dad until his death: we never wanted to get divorced at the same time. I once read that as a sweet sentiment. Now, I think it's kind of sad. I’ve written about Michelle Obama’s honest comments about the hard years with Barack. Her comments reinforce the narrative we’ve crafted around marriage in order to keep it intact: that it requires hard work. Nothing worth having is easy. Thus the marriage therapy industrial complex (currently at $12B and estimated to grow to $20B by 2028).
Read my take on Michelle Obama’s thoughts below:
I’m not saying that living with someone isn’t hard, or shouldn’t be hard. But as more and more women are questioning marriage, especially as it seems so tied with those who also want to convince us to have more babies, maybe that is just verbiage concocted to keep women trapped, language to convince us that unhappiness is not grounds to leave on its own. When it most definitely is. Perhaps that is why it is so hard for women to leave. Because we have been inundated with messaging that you don’t give up no matter how hard things are. Buy another book. Go on a couples’ retreat. Book another therapy session. Remember, marriage is supposed to last forever! There is always something that can fix it!
In response to my post last week about the absolute fuckery of divorce even once it is final, the comments section lit up with the idea that we should ban marriage until it is less of a shit show to get out of. Like all marriage certificates should come with a waiver that states:
WARNING: Please proceed with caution. To extricate yourself from this contract, you will spend an average of 25% of your accumulated wealth. If you decide to have children together, this person will always have a way to financially and emotionally abuse you. Are you sure you want to do this? If so, here is a list of lawyers who can help you with a prenup.
Obviously, we aren’t there yet. But perhaps that’s where we should be headed?
RELATED: My Substack Live with Gemma Hartley
What do you wish you could ask a married person? Below is a list of questions I’ve compiled but share your own in the comments. What would help us pull back the curtain on marriage? Not to expose per se, but so we could feel less alone if we are in an unhappy marriage and fully understand what it takes to be and stay married for good.
If you are interested in participating in The Marriage Diaries, fill out the form here. Don’t worry, these will also be shared anonymously!
How long have you been married?
How old were you when you got married?
Do you have kids? How old are they now?
What has been the most challenging time in your marriage?
What has been the best time period during your marriage?
Have you attended couples therapy? For how long? Why did you stop?
What is the biggest conflict in your marriage?
If you had to do it all over again, would you marry your spouse?
Have you ever considered opening your marriage?
How often do you have sex? Do you ever feel pressured to have sex? If it were just up to you, how often would you have sex?
When do you feel most connected to your spouse?
What’s one thing you wish you could change about your marriage?
What are your sleeping arrangements?
How is your relationship with your in-laws?
Have you ever considered divorce?
Has either one of you ever cheated?
What do you like best about marriage?
What do you hate the most about marriage?
Did you have a prenup?
Do you have a full understanding of the financial landscape of your marriage? How often do you and your spouse meet about financial goals and spending?
What advice would you give to someone considering marriage today?
Liking this post, restacking it, or leaving a comment helps it find more readers. And if you consistently find value in the writings on The Mother Lode, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Your financial contribution helps me do this work and signals its value. It also grants you access to all content on The Mother Lode.
ICYMI: I spoke with Fresh Starts Registry about Three Things I Learned in My Divorce. Just ten minutes! Listen on your next commute!
I’m married with kids. I may even journal with these question on my own… it may bring up some insights.
I think you've largely covered this in some questions, but it might be helpful to ask directly: How do you allocate compensated or financial labor (i.e. money you each bring in from entities outside the home for employment or other income), domestic labor (i.e. caregiving tasks, cooking, cleaning, child and/or elder care, etc), administrative labor (i.e. the mental load of managing all the tasks and noticing various things, staying on top of the various administrative pieces the household needs to run), and relational labor (i.e. the interpersonal dynamics between you and your partner that make your relationship function or not)? What's your split look like on each of these? Do you feel okay with it or does it feel unfair or unbalanced in some way?