Triggers and Boundaries

getting real about day 610 of a divorce

This post was previously paywalled but I’m sending it to all free subscribers now.

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Paid subscribers received this newsletter when they should have been receiving #2 in my series Things I Wish I’d Known Before Going Through a Divorce. I’d intended it to be a week’s worth of insight. But as I published my first post, and then continued to polish and prepare the rest of the posts, something happened. 

I got scared. 

I mentioned on Notes and on Instagram how the night before the first post went live, I was up at 4:30 in the morning making edits. I had remembered the clause in my mediation agreement that prevented me from discussing what happened during our sessions with anyone and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t breaking the terms of that agreement. 

Then that post published and I felt okay but also nervous. Like, why am I doing this? 

And while in my previous life, I would have bulldozed right past that feeling and ignored my body, I’m trying not to do that anymore. I’m trying to listen to my body. To get curious about what it is trying to tell me. 

My divorce is almost final. And I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our signing. I think I was worried my ex would see these posts and get… angry. 

I sat down and did a meditation trying to convince the part of me that thinks I still need to keep him happy that I don’t. To get my body up to speed. Because it is still living as if what he thinks is vital to my survival.

In other words, even as I was publishing about how I have moved past the trauma of our relationship, I was still triggered. 

I had to do a whole meditation yesterday trying to convince the part of me that thinks I still need to keep him happy that I don’t. To get my body up to speed. Because it is still living as if what he thinks is vital to my survival.

I’m trying to truly live, for once in my life, as if I’m the Decider. This is one of the reasons I write this Substack. I decide the frequency and content of all posts. This is my newsletter, and I can take a break when I need and I can reschedule things if necessary.

I’m also trying to honor all the parts of me, the parts of me who often have wisdom and guidance if I’d only learn to listen. If you haven’t read my post about Internal Family Systems, go back and read it here. I have a very strong part of me that loves to share my own experiences so that I can help other people. That part of me is often driving the bus. Help others! Share your wisdom! Go go go! She is a workhorse. She is brave. I love that part of me. 

But there is also a part of me that still gets scared. That knows that writing about my experience is vulnerable. Sometimes I have to listen to her, too. Honor her pace. It is often slower. 

Despite all my posts about how good it feels to be getting divorced, it is an exhausting process. It has been 610 days since we filed. There have been moments of what felt like victory and moments of true despair. Moments when I felt like “I’ve got this!” and moments when I’ve felt “what have I done?” I’ve never questioned leaving. Dear God, that was the clearest and cleanest decision I’ve made in my life. But about all the decisions along the way. Our custody arrangement and my lawyer and what I fought for and what I let go. 

Getting divorced is a marathon and I’m hobbling along in mile 23. I know the finish line is coming, is closer than ever but I’ve also just run 23 miles and I’m tired and ready for it to be over. I forget sometimes that I don’t have the stamina I did at mile one. 

So thanks for being with me along the way, cheering me on from the sidelines. Thanks for understanding that right now, I need to slow my pace. I can’t wait to tell you all when I’ve finally crossed that finish line.

With gratitude,

Cindy

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