Things I Wish I'd Known Before Going Through a Divorce #1
a word on mediation
Welcome to a new series. I’m going to be posting a topic every day this week on what I wish I’d known before going through a divorce. This is for paying subscribers and I’ll also be starting our first chat on The Mother Lode so if you’d like to add your own insights to this list, we welcome it!
I promise that after this series, I won’t be so focused on divorce. I will keep publishing The Divorce Diaries, because I think it is a really important service, but if you are a happily married mom who is ready for a pivot away from Divorceland, don’t worry. I’ve got some exciting new content coming this fall that will be relatable to all women. (Though I would argue all this divorce content IS relatable to all women because I want us all more literate in divorce before we face one ourselves).
First up, I have a bone to pick with mediation.
MEDIATION ISN’T FOR EVERYONE
I understand why mediation is often the first choice path for divorcing couples. We want to avoid court and cut down on costs and thus having one person you pay to help you negotiate sounds ideal. But often, even if you mediate, you’ll need a lawyer. You may not elect to have said lawyer in the mediation sessions, but you need one on retainer to help you understand the ins and outs of the law and to advise you on legal strategy or review your MSA (Marital Settlement Agreement). Did you know that a mediator is not legally obligated to tell you about the law and in fact cannot give you legal advice?
I didn’t want to be toe to toe with my ex without a lawyer by my side, because a) my ex is highly educated and a convoluted conversationalist and b) I didn’t know anything about the law and wanted a lawyer to inform me of what I was entitled to. Because I wanted my lawyer by my side, my ex wanted his lawyer, so now we were paying three people, not one.
I also think we overestimate our ability to have goodwill post-divorce. Of course, we’ll be able to mediate, was my thought. But we forget that mediation necessarily requires a lot of compromise. A lot of negotiation. We are divorcing these people because we don’t know HOW to come to an agreement. We are tired of compromising! So the entire system just seems flawed not to mention triggering.
And speaking of triggers….I underestimated how triggered I was just by the thought of being in the same room as my ex.