I believe women are taught the wrong lessons about money or no lessons at all. Building money confidence takes time. We've only had our own access to credit for around 50 years, that's not enough time for generational fears to ebb. I applaud every woman who is willing to talk openly about money. When we do that we make it easier for others and we take the stigma away from the mistakes we all make.
OMG Cindy I was just like you too, I dreaded doing anything with money in my 20s, so when my husband came along (electrical engineer) and I thought I could offload the financial component in our marriage to him, I was so relieved. Little did I know that he would end up starting several very expensive hobbies, started spending money on things I didn't agree with, and racking up debt for so many years that I was just paralyzed. I recently separated from him and made sure he didn't have access to my bank account and credit cards. And I started learning to manage my own money. I started listening to money podcasts, but still hiring accountants to do some stuff for me because I'm still healing from the divorce itself. But man I feel you!!
I love this topic so much! I'm probably annoyingly outspoken among my friends for my interest in talking about women and financial literacy. I married young too, at 22 right out of college. We didn't have much between my entry level education job and his law school tuition and I was involved in our finances directly. However, it was after our divorce three years later at 25 when I had to take complete control of my own finance that I really learned how to manage everything, including making some big errors and having to deal with some economic circumstances that were bad timing and out of my control. Even when I had very little it was SO empowering to know exactly what I had and be in charge of it. Fast forward to when my current husband and I were discussing getting married and being a full partner in our finances was one of my non-negotiables. I still maintain my own separate bank account, credit cards, investment account and retirement account in addition to the joint accounts and assets we have. I'd love to see more financial literacy in schools generally, but especially for young women - ceding control of money is ceding power and we need more equality in that, not less.
It takes a lot of courage to admit what you have in this post. I believe a lot of women marry with the expectation that they won't have to worry about money, and I think this is a major reason women stay married. Good for you for calling it out and owning it! In my case, I was the breadwinner in my marriage but I also did not want to have to deal with money. So, I left my ex-husband in charge of a lot. That was also a mistake. Now I realize how important financial independence is, and that includes devoting my full attention to my finances and not passing it off to a partner.
That sounds like a great panel and is such a great article! Money is taboo, very value-laden, and women are often shamed for how they handle money. Money is an easy way for a controlling a partner in a relationship.
It would be interesting to analyze this in the context of ones 20s, when we are in our first low-paying job, dealing with career, disillusionment, moving, loneliness, stress, navigating things and how this might add incentive to "couple up" early on, and how this differs from single women's perspectives in their 30s. I never felt tempted to marry ever despite having and still having relatively little assets. I realize I am quite unusual. I saw a lot of people trying to recreate this suburban, nuclear family dynamic by marrying early in their 20s, before they have even lived other lifestyles. I was shocked too by how many women married in grad school too.
I completely agree that sometimes unaffordable rent leads couples to marry or cohabitate before they are ready. I remember my early twenties when I had to live with random roommates that it made me want to just marry my boyfriend to avoid those awkward conditions. I also think our societal conditioning that the nuclear family is the goal and the moment you've arrived leads us pursuing relationships that are not the best for us.
YES. I also think marriage is a means to medical insurance, and similarly, some might marry to help their partner to access insurance (along with housing). I did this, in fact. The conversation about insurance was what prompted the marriage proposal, and I thought, well he's unemployed and if we're married he will have insurance, this will help him a lot. We were married for 13 years and have two fabulous teenagers now, and it took me a long time to even remember that insurance access was what started the whole conversation about marriage. It was like I buried it deep in my memory for shame, perhaps knowing it was a foolish reason all along. But I wouldn't change any of it because we have our two kids. The only thing I would potentially change is divorcing sooner.
OMG this is fascinating and such an important point. Without societal structures, we turn to these patriarchal institutions. "It took me a long time to even remember that insurance access was what started the whole conversation about marriage." WOW
I believe women are taught the wrong lessons about money or no lessons at all. Building money confidence takes time. We've only had our own access to credit for around 50 years, that's not enough time for generational fears to ebb. I applaud every woman who is willing to talk openly about money. When we do that we make it easier for others and we take the stigma away from the mistakes we all make.
OMG Cindy I was just like you too, I dreaded doing anything with money in my 20s, so when my husband came along (electrical engineer) and I thought I could offload the financial component in our marriage to him, I was so relieved. Little did I know that he would end up starting several very expensive hobbies, started spending money on things I didn't agree with, and racking up debt for so many years that I was just paralyzed. I recently separated from him and made sure he didn't have access to my bank account and credit cards. And I started learning to manage my own money. I started listening to money podcasts, but still hiring accountants to do some stuff for me because I'm still healing from the divorce itself. But man I feel you!!
I love this topic so much! I'm probably annoyingly outspoken among my friends for my interest in talking about women and financial literacy. I married young too, at 22 right out of college. We didn't have much between my entry level education job and his law school tuition and I was involved in our finances directly. However, it was after our divorce three years later at 25 when I had to take complete control of my own finance that I really learned how to manage everything, including making some big errors and having to deal with some economic circumstances that were bad timing and out of my control. Even when I had very little it was SO empowering to know exactly what I had and be in charge of it. Fast forward to when my current husband and I were discussing getting married and being a full partner in our finances was one of my non-negotiables. I still maintain my own separate bank account, credit cards, investment account and retirement account in addition to the joint accounts and assets we have. I'd love to see more financial literacy in schools generally, but especially for young women - ceding control of money is ceding power and we need more equality in that, not less.
It takes a lot of courage to admit what you have in this post. I believe a lot of women marry with the expectation that they won't have to worry about money, and I think this is a major reason women stay married. Good for you for calling it out and owning it! In my case, I was the breadwinner in my marriage but I also did not want to have to deal with money. So, I left my ex-husband in charge of a lot. That was also a mistake. Now I realize how important financial independence is, and that includes devoting my full attention to my finances and not passing it off to a partner.
Thank you for sharing your stories, Cindy! I find it so inspiring! ❤️
That sounds like a great panel and is such a great article! Money is taboo, very value-laden, and women are often shamed for how they handle money. Money is an easy way for a controlling a partner in a relationship.
It would be interesting to analyze this in the context of ones 20s, when we are in our first low-paying job, dealing with career, disillusionment, moving, loneliness, stress, navigating things and how this might add incentive to "couple up" early on, and how this differs from single women's perspectives in their 30s. I never felt tempted to marry ever despite having and still having relatively little assets. I realize I am quite unusual. I saw a lot of people trying to recreate this suburban, nuclear family dynamic by marrying early in their 20s, before they have even lived other lifestyles. I was shocked too by how many women married in grad school too.
I completely agree that sometimes unaffordable rent leads couples to marry or cohabitate before they are ready. I remember my early twenties when I had to live with random roommates that it made me want to just marry my boyfriend to avoid those awkward conditions. I also think our societal conditioning that the nuclear family is the goal and the moment you've arrived leads us pursuing relationships that are not the best for us.
YES. I also think marriage is a means to medical insurance, and similarly, some might marry to help their partner to access insurance (along with housing). I did this, in fact. The conversation about insurance was what prompted the marriage proposal, and I thought, well he's unemployed and if we're married he will have insurance, this will help him a lot. We were married for 13 years and have two fabulous teenagers now, and it took me a long time to even remember that insurance access was what started the whole conversation about marriage. It was like I buried it deep in my memory for shame, perhaps knowing it was a foolish reason all along. But I wouldn't change any of it because we have our two kids. The only thing I would potentially change is divorcing sooner.
OMG this is fascinating and such an important point. Without societal structures, we turn to these patriarchal institutions. "It took me a long time to even remember that insurance access was what started the whole conversation about marriage." WOW
Yeah! It seems like a super interesting "inflection point" in many peoples' lives and relationships that could be examined more.