Thank you for this! My kid is 3.5 and we’ve debated another for awhile now. For so long, I felt that moms who had multiples were just more competent than me but now I’m coming around to the idea that I just want an easier, cushier life than I would have with 2 and that’s okay.
Absolutely. Good for you for being able to prioritize yourself as a mother. I'm so glad and I do believe that one day there will be less stigma around singletons.
As an only child myself I really thought I wanted multiple children if I had children. Then I had one. And she was sick and in the hospital for months at a time. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and (although I didn’t recognize it at the time) grieving for both the life I no longer had and for the life I thought I would have.
Yet I still held stubbornly to the idea that to be a good mother I “must” have more than one.
It wasn’t until my husband asked me,” so which one will you leave behind?” When I stared at him blankly he continued,” every time our daughter is in the hospital you stay there with her, so what happens to the next one? Will you leave the one we have alone in the hospital or will you leave the baby at home? You can’t be both places so you will always have to choose and your already struggling with the inability to write while caring for the child we have”.
I hated him for that statement. And I’m grateful for his honesty- even if it was harsh.
Because he wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t do more when I was already barely surviving as is.
My daughter is amazing. I love being her mother. But motherhood??? I wish I’d been given more realistic warnings about just how complicated the journey would be.
Oof. first of all, I'm so sorry your little has had so many health problems. and I am glad your husband's comment gave you clarity. My question is, why didn't he factor himself into the equation? Like, if you are in the hospital with one, couldn't he be with the other? again, i think we put so much pressure on ourselves as mothers to "be there" in a way that fathers obviously don't feel but should. like, we both made them. why are they always on my plate, not yours? I hope this question doesn't feel critical, but I am just trying to name a potentially problematic dynamic that I think we all feel.
Thank you for your honesty. I feel immense relief as I read this. I have two children and it has been a major struggle for me. They are now 6 and 4 and I FINALLY feel like I’m getting back to “myself” again now that they are old enough to go to school 5 days a week. My husband wants more kids and the thought of heading back into the pregnancy/baby/toddler days again just turns me off completely. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of it all is that when I express these sentiments to my husband, he reacts like I’m evil or I hate my own children or children in general which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m just a sensitive soul and the baby/toddler years took a lot out of me. I realize this isn’t the case of all women. Some love the baby years. But I hope we can all normalize this conversation topic for the sake of those of us who don’t relish early motherhood.
So true. I had three under 6 and those years were the most intense of my life. Even with a husband with flexible hours, much WFH ( long before the pandemic) and who easily picked up his half of housework. Keeping small humans alive while not entirely losing yourself is the most intense thing ever. But it does end. Mine are now 18, 21 and 24, and I’m doing the most rewarding work of my life and loving the times I get to be with these gorgeous young adults.
Wow this is sooooo deeply resonant... even though there is a bigger gap of 3 years between my two, I still feel so much of what you write. Thank you for sharing. The ‘enduring’ piece really does sum up so much of what I feel in this current season... which is why my writing is so life giving for me as it takes me to a different space and makes me feel alive again. Xx
I feel so relieved reading this! I often feel like mothering takes more out of me than many other women - or that they enjoy it more - and I'm getting to the place of being okay with that. Whether it's true or not! I have two close in age as well, the youngest being 6 months, and they're not even that "hard" of children but I'm still so tired! The line about it being hard to be a writer and have two kids felt very validating. It's a temperament thing - I didn't pick my temperament - but I want / need to be able to live my life in a way that feels like I'm not constantly drowning for years on end. Please.
I've written a bit about this topic too (e.g. https://christinegreenwald.substack.com/p/please-stop-telling-moms-to-cherish) and plan to do a bit more soon, but this post is inspiring me to be more honest about my own personal experience - because other moms need to hear we're not alone if we feel like this!
I'm sorry I am late to your comment but thank you so much. I just read your essay and relate to it fully as well. Also, I am super interest to read more from you regarding religious trauma. It is part of my writing (although not here as much obviously) and something I am unpacking as well. So glad to have "met" you here!
haha no worries, I forgot I commented so now it's a lovely surprise to hear back! :) sometimes my topics can be a bit scattered (like my brain) but I'm really wanting to focus more on religious trauma aspects and even how it intersects with mothering in particular (as opposed to parenting). Nice to have "met" you here too!
Thanks for sharing this. I relate so much. Motherhood is so tough, but adding a second child to the first is a whole other level. I actually wrote a blog post about this after I had logan- https://amomlikeme.com/2011/03/16/out-of-the-darkness/
I had so many women reach out to
Me after reading it, saying that they felt the same way. I think it’s a very common thread that isn’t discussed nearly enough.
This is so on point. I went through IVF to conceive my first and then quickly tried for my second (via IVF) when my first was only one year old. I felt rushed because of how hard it was for me to get pregnant. My son was born when my daughter was two. Now they’re 8 and 6 and I feel like I finally have some independence. Those first couple years with both of them together are a blur and I had horrible PPD. Two kids is no joke, I thought it would be the end of me. Somehow I’m still here.
Same! I had two IVF babies and my son was born when my daughter was two. My son is now 8 months and we are just very much in the thick of it right now with both kids being so young. Your comment gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel :)
I was that unwanted second child. A girl, which made it even worse. So I was left with friends, relatives, even almost ended up in a foundling hospital because nobody wanted to care for me. Finally over the age of two I was sent home, never to be accepted as a real member of the family. I chose never to marry and never to have children. Do not let the State determine when you have children.
Thank you for this! My kid is 3.5 and we’ve debated another for awhile now. For so long, I felt that moms who had multiples were just more competent than me but now I’m coming around to the idea that I just want an easier, cushier life than I would have with 2 and that’s okay.
Absolutely. Good for you for being able to prioritize yourself as a mother. I'm so glad and I do believe that one day there will be less stigma around singletons.
As an only child myself I really thought I wanted multiple children if I had children. Then I had one. And she was sick and in the hospital for months at a time. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and (although I didn’t recognize it at the time) grieving for both the life I no longer had and for the life I thought I would have.
Yet I still held stubbornly to the idea that to be a good mother I “must” have more than one.
It wasn’t until my husband asked me,” so which one will you leave behind?” When I stared at him blankly he continued,” every time our daughter is in the hospital you stay there with her, so what happens to the next one? Will you leave the one we have alone in the hospital or will you leave the baby at home? You can’t be both places so you will always have to choose and your already struggling with the inability to write while caring for the child we have”.
I hated him for that statement. And I’m grateful for his honesty- even if it was harsh.
Because he wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t do more when I was already barely surviving as is.
My daughter is amazing. I love being her mother. But motherhood??? I wish I’d been given more realistic warnings about just how complicated the journey would be.
Oof. first of all, I'm so sorry your little has had so many health problems. and I am glad your husband's comment gave you clarity. My question is, why didn't he factor himself into the equation? Like, if you are in the hospital with one, couldn't he be with the other? again, i think we put so much pressure on ourselves as mothers to "be there" in a way that fathers obviously don't feel but should. like, we both made them. why are they always on my plate, not yours? I hope this question doesn't feel critical, but I am just trying to name a potentially problematic dynamic that I think we all feel.
Thank you for your honesty. I feel immense relief as I read this. I have two children and it has been a major struggle for me. They are now 6 and 4 and I FINALLY feel like I’m getting back to “myself” again now that they are old enough to go to school 5 days a week. My husband wants more kids and the thought of heading back into the pregnancy/baby/toddler days again just turns me off completely. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of it all is that when I express these sentiments to my husband, he reacts like I’m evil or I hate my own children or children in general which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m just a sensitive soul and the baby/toddler years took a lot out of me. I realize this isn’t the case of all women. Some love the baby years. But I hope we can all normalize this conversation topic for the sake of those of us who don’t relish early motherhood.
So true. I had three under 6 and those years were the most intense of my life. Even with a husband with flexible hours, much WFH ( long before the pandemic) and who easily picked up his half of housework. Keeping small humans alive while not entirely losing yourself is the most intense thing ever. But it does end. Mine are now 18, 21 and 24, and I’m doing the most rewarding work of my life and loving the times I get to be with these gorgeous young adults.
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing!
Wow this is sooooo deeply resonant... even though there is a bigger gap of 3 years between my two, I still feel so much of what you write. Thank you for sharing. The ‘enduring’ piece really does sum up so much of what I feel in this current season... which is why my writing is so life giving for me as it takes me to a different space and makes me feel alive again. Xx
I feel so relieved reading this! I often feel like mothering takes more out of me than many other women - or that they enjoy it more - and I'm getting to the place of being okay with that. Whether it's true or not! I have two close in age as well, the youngest being 6 months, and they're not even that "hard" of children but I'm still so tired! The line about it being hard to be a writer and have two kids felt very validating. It's a temperament thing - I didn't pick my temperament - but I want / need to be able to live my life in a way that feels like I'm not constantly drowning for years on end. Please.
I've written a bit about this topic too (e.g. https://christinegreenwald.substack.com/p/please-stop-telling-moms-to-cherish) and plan to do a bit more soon, but this post is inspiring me to be more honest about my own personal experience - because other moms need to hear we're not alone if we feel like this!
Thanks for your writing!
I'm sorry I am late to your comment but thank you so much. I just read your essay and relate to it fully as well. Also, I am super interest to read more from you regarding religious trauma. It is part of my writing (although not here as much obviously) and something I am unpacking as well. So glad to have "met" you here!
haha no worries, I forgot I commented so now it's a lovely surprise to hear back! :) sometimes my topics can be a bit scattered (like my brain) but I'm really wanting to focus more on religious trauma aspects and even how it intersects with mothering in particular (as opposed to parenting). Nice to have "met" you here too!
Thanks for sharing this. I relate so much. Motherhood is so tough, but adding a second child to the first is a whole other level. I actually wrote a blog post about this after I had logan- https://amomlikeme.com/2011/03/16/out-of-the-darkness/
I had so many women reach out to
Me after reading it, saying that they felt the same way. I think it’s a very common thread that isn’t discussed nearly enough.
Wow, such similar experiences. Thank you for sharing! And sharing back then. I’ve no doubt your honesty helped a lot of mothers.
This is so on point. I went through IVF to conceive my first and then quickly tried for my second (via IVF) when my first was only one year old. I felt rushed because of how hard it was for me to get pregnant. My son was born when my daughter was two. Now they’re 8 and 6 and I feel like I finally have some independence. Those first couple years with both of them together are a blur and I had horrible PPD. Two kids is no joke, I thought it would be the end of me. Somehow I’m still here.
Hi Suzanne,
Same! I had two IVF babies and my son was born when my daughter was two. My son is now 8 months and we are just very much in the thick of it right now with both kids being so young. Your comment gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel :)
It does get better! I recommend this post too for solidarity. https://cindyditiberio.substack.com/p/the-kids-are-brokenand-its-only-11
I was that unwanted second child. A girl, which made it even worse. So I was left with friends, relatives, even almost ended up in a foundling hospital because nobody wanted to care for me. Finally over the age of two I was sent home, never to be accepted as a real member of the family. I chose never to marry and never to have children. Do not let the State determine when you have children.