I didn’t realize I was asexual when I got married. I was sort-of evangelical at the time, so no sex outside marriage, and while I had interrogated a lot of evangelical values, I hadn’t given much thought to that one, because there was never a moment when I wanted sex. The problem of course came after I was married, and felt like I had to perform sex at least once a week. I couldn’t figure out why I would sometimes contemplate divorce to be free of sex in a marriage that otherwise made space for me.
Pregnancy and motherhood was a lifesaver, in that it gave me what I needed (desperation maybe) to take ownership of my body and stop having sex. The second half of pregnancy and first six months post partum vaginal sex was too painful, and and I just didn’t put any pressure on myself to perform in other ways. He totally laid off pressure too and stopped initiating sex. So we went 10 months with basically no sex. Now (4 years post pregnancy) we have sex when I initiate--which is when I want sex, which is typically every 4-6 weeks. I’m tuning into the quiet song of my own desire. Sex still isn’t this amazing thing for me, but I do enjoy it once in a while--and what is amazing is feeling ownership and autonomy over my own body, even within the give and take of relationships.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. This is a beautiful story of you accepting yourself and your partner allowing you to be who you are, without expectation that you fulfill a stereotype. I wish you well on your journey of "tuning into the quiet song of my own desire."
I didn’t realize I was asexual when I got married. I was sort-of evangelical at the time, so no sex outside marriage, and while I had interrogated a lot of evangelical values, I hadn’t given much thought to that one, because there was never a moment when I wanted sex. The problem of course came after I was married, and felt like I had to perform sex at least once a week. I couldn’t figure out why I would sometimes contemplate divorce to be free of sex in a marriage that otherwise made space for me.
Pregnancy and motherhood was a lifesaver, in that it gave me what I needed (desperation maybe) to take ownership of my body and stop having sex. The second half of pregnancy and first six months post partum vaginal sex was too painful, and and I just didn’t put any pressure on myself to perform in other ways. He totally laid off pressure too and stopped initiating sex. So we went 10 months with basically no sex. Now (4 years post pregnancy) we have sex when I initiate--which is when I want sex, which is typically every 4-6 weeks. I’m tuning into the quiet song of my own desire. Sex still isn’t this amazing thing for me, but I do enjoy it once in a while--and what is amazing is feeling ownership and autonomy over my own body, even within the give and take of relationships.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. This is a beautiful story of you accepting yourself and your partner allowing you to be who you are, without expectation that you fulfill a stereotype. I wish you well on your journey of "tuning into the quiet song of my own desire."
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽