I don’t understand why anyone would commit to someone they didn’t want to make love with regularly. I also doubt the “men always want it but women have to be coaxed” narrative. I can recall sitting with a group of young moms — all of us met at a parenting group and were nursing and/or pregnant— and complaining that our husbands weren’t as keen for sex as we were.
When you say why would you commit to someone you didn’t want to make love to regularly, I don’t think people do. The question is, are people allowed to change in their sexual desire and habits throughout a marriage. And if the answer is no, then does that require divorce? So much has changed in our understanding of what sex is for and the whole concept of consent and yet the expectations of marital sex haven’t caught up with the times. And thus we find ourselves at a loss and no real path through
A fair question. This is just my preliminary thought. At lest you released him back into the world. Question though, let’s say you didn’t, and remained a sexual desert, how would you feel if he satisfied his needs with another woman?
I think polyamory is a genius concept for this problem. I wish we had the knowledge to consider this as an option but at the time we didn’t and now it is too late. I love the idea of us not expecting one person to fulfill all our needs. As long as it is entered into with both people consenting I think polyamory can help those in marriages where there is a mismatch in desire.
As a woman who absolutely loves sex and as a teacher of g-spot awakening, I want to let women and men both know that there is hope. There are ways for women/mothers to reclaim their bodies and their pleasure, and men truly need more education about how women’s sexuality works. It’s about taking responsibility for your own temple (body). When you are willing to do that, willing to invest your time, energy, and money into educating yourself about sex, to act like it matters as much (so much more even) than so many others things that we pour ourselves into—that’s when things shift and open into a whole other dimension of experience.
Love reading this so much. At 55, married 31 years, I have realized so many things about the choices I made as a young woman and throughout my life regarding sex. I am attempting to course correct now and the men in my life can barely keep up. I am also finding that I have to forgive my younger self for systematically giving away most of my autonomy. I was so heavily influenced by my parent’s dynamic and the advice from my mom was that sex was THE most important thing in a marriage, namely being sexually satisfying to your husband. I really internalized that.
This discussion of responsive desire is so important. A couple years ago, I remember hearing the term “demisexual” to describe folks who only want to have sex with those with whom they have a strong emotional connection, and was completely perplexed as to how that would be on the spectrum of queer/asexual. The sexual standard for modern humans is people who want to bone anyone and everyone??? It would seem that some discretion as to whether someone actually cares about you as a person is a smart evolutionary adaptation. The concept of responsive desire seems like a more interesting/helpful distinction. Let’s stop “conditionizing” normal human behavior that doesn't correspond with patriarchal ideals.
Good read! I think for myself and many women like me, it’s missing the role that religion has played into shaping the narrative that women cannot and should not refuse their husbands sexual desires under any circumstances. I’m not even sure it’s biblical, but widely accepted to be true.
Yeah that’s vague and appears open for interpretation. Also seems mutual in nature and not a demand upon the wife. I’m also not Christian so thanks, but not the evidence sufficient for proof.
So why do so many people have sex outside of love? Again, another individual who could have tried to gain anything from reading this but chose archaism.
I’m in the process of writing a piece on dating, sex, consent and agency, and touched on a lot of what you wrote here.
I especially love the part on responsive desire. I have a very high sex drive, but can almost feel like I am asexual at times because I have a responsive desire.
Thanks for linking all the other articles and resources. I haven’t looked into them yet, but I will take the time to do so.
This article is gold for women, and hopefully men too.
This made me think. I have been married for 27 years, and I have never said no to sex, even when I might have wanted to.
Reading this helped me see how easily availability can become habit rather than choice, and how often women learn to stay present in name while leaving their bodies in order to get through sex they do not fully want. Dissociation becomes normalised, even invisible, and is rarely named as something that takes a real toll.
What resonates most is the reframing of intimacy as something wider than sex. The everyday acts of care, familiarity, and shared life that say we are still connected, even when access to a body is not the measure.
The idea of a sabbatical feels less like withdrawal and more like a way back. A pause that allows consent to be rebuilt from the inside, not performed for the sake of keeping things working. Thank you for naming this with such clarity.
I'm so glad this gave you new insights into how you can be in a sexual relationship with someone. We don't often interrogate these things enough, but I think it is important to pause and rethink, my goodness, everything.
Reading the article: “Yes, obviously no one should have sex unless they want to.”
Reading some of the comments: 😳🤢
——
In other news… y’all really need kink 🖤
Specifically, the ladies, and the gentlemen who are actually interested in pleasing a woman, would benefit greatly from experiencing the type of sexual relationship where the woman’s pleasure is centered, she is worshipped, adored, and her wishes and fantasies come alive.
And for the male individuals in the comments who are upset about the concept of consent - I wonder how you would feel about your beliefs if someone said you had to get pegged in the mouth and ass every day as a duty to your partner? Or fucked by a man even if you’re straight? Use your imagination to think of a scenario in which you would not want to have sex, and then use that thought to explore some new concepts for you: empathy, consent, and care for another human being.
Some people experience responsive desire. “Where spontaneous desire appears in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.”
Booking a holiday is not enjoyable, (and I don't enjoy the anticipation either, frankly) but while I'm on holiday it's still pleasurable. I book holidays because I have self-awareness and agency and some command over my future.
It's obvious women are still oh so every confused about the source of this sex problem and why men take the I own you stance. Of course I'm not saying a woman is owned, but without knowing what the real problem, it's almost impossible to prescribe the right course of action. A woman might for instance choose to not be partnered at all of she understands the why of the sex and that is very important because a male partner will expect the sex, expecting the woman to be his propery and the absence of it might lower the male to be murderous and dementedly abusive. A woman who knows she has a low libido would likely, in the face of that simply choose to be single. I'm saying this as one of many scenarios that can happen with the sex issue, but it can also happen with a lot of other issues that pertain to sexual relations with males. Males are simply not good to be around, period, for any woman and this advice strikes me as far too ignorant.
The comments from angry men here are very triggering. They do not want to have a lively discourse. They want to rage women into acquiescence.
I just jedi mind tricked into reading 39 comments to see who was raging
I don’t understand why anyone would commit to someone they didn’t want to make love with regularly. I also doubt the “men always want it but women have to be coaxed” narrative. I can recall sitting with a group of young moms — all of us met at a parenting group and were nursing and/or pregnant— and complaining that our husbands weren’t as keen for sex as we were.
When you say why would you commit to someone you didn’t want to make love to regularly, I don’t think people do. The question is, are people allowed to change in their sexual desire and habits throughout a marriage. And if the answer is no, then does that require divorce? So much has changed in our understanding of what sex is for and the whole concept of consent and yet the expectations of marital sex haven’t caught up with the times. And thus we find ourselves at a loss and no real path through
A fair question. This is just my preliminary thought. At lest you released him back into the world. Question though, let’s say you didn’t, and remained a sexual desert, how would you feel if he satisfied his needs with another woman?
I think polyamory is a genius concept for this problem. I wish we had the knowledge to consider this as an option but at the time we didn’t and now it is too late. I love the idea of us not expecting one person to fulfill all our needs. As long as it is entered into with both people consenting I think polyamory can help those in marriages where there is a mismatch in desire.
Providing your wife with a house and security is not your duty.
As a woman who absolutely loves sex and as a teacher of g-spot awakening, I want to let women and men both know that there is hope. There are ways for women/mothers to reclaim their bodies and their pleasure, and men truly need more education about how women’s sexuality works. It’s about taking responsibility for your own temple (body). When you are willing to do that, willing to invest your time, energy, and money into educating yourself about sex, to act like it matters as much (so much more even) than so many others things that we pour ourselves into—that’s when things shift and open into a whole other dimension of experience.
Agree wholeheartedly, AM. I love sex so much but it wasn’t like this in my marriage. It’s such a vexed issue that I see many couples struggling with.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do invest in myself quite a lot and find myself feeling quite disillusioned by modern Dating.
Love reading this so much. At 55, married 31 years, I have realized so many things about the choices I made as a young woman and throughout my life regarding sex. I am attempting to course correct now and the men in my life can barely keep up. I am also finding that I have to forgive my younger self for systematically giving away most of my autonomy. I was so heavily influenced by my parent’s dynamic and the advice from my mom was that sex was THE most important thing in a marriage, namely being sexually satisfying to your husband. I really internalized that.
This discussion of responsive desire is so important. A couple years ago, I remember hearing the term “demisexual” to describe folks who only want to have sex with those with whom they have a strong emotional connection, and was completely perplexed as to how that would be on the spectrum of queer/asexual. The sexual standard for modern humans is people who want to bone anyone and everyone??? It would seem that some discretion as to whether someone actually cares about you as a person is a smart evolutionary adaptation. The concept of responsive desire seems like a more interesting/helpful distinction. Let’s stop “conditionizing” normal human behavior that doesn't correspond with patriarchal ideals.
Women can opt out of sex the way men can opt out of marriage.
Good read! I think for myself and many women like me, it’s missing the role that religion has played into shaping the narrative that women cannot and should not refuse their husbands sexual desires under any circumstances. I’m not even sure it’s biblical, but widely accepted to be true.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Yeah that’s vague and appears open for interpretation. Also seems mutual in nature and not a demand upon the wife. I’m also not Christian so thanks, but not the evidence sufficient for proof.
Sex is a duty. Sex expressed love. We love men
So why do so many people have sex outside of love? Again, another individual who could have tried to gain anything from reading this but chose archaism.
I’m in the process of writing a piece on dating, sex, consent and agency, and touched on a lot of what you wrote here.
I especially love the part on responsive desire. I have a very high sex drive, but can almost feel like I am asexual at times because I have a responsive desire.
Thanks for linking all the other articles and resources. I haven’t looked into them yet, but I will take the time to do so.
This article is gold for women, and hopefully men too.
I look forward to reading your piece, Sara.
This made me think. I have been married for 27 years, and I have never said no to sex, even when I might have wanted to.
Reading this helped me see how easily availability can become habit rather than choice, and how often women learn to stay present in name while leaving their bodies in order to get through sex they do not fully want. Dissociation becomes normalised, even invisible, and is rarely named as something that takes a real toll.
What resonates most is the reframing of intimacy as something wider than sex. The everyday acts of care, familiarity, and shared life that say we are still connected, even when access to a body is not the measure.
The idea of a sabbatical feels less like withdrawal and more like a way back. A pause that allows consent to be rebuilt from the inside, not performed for the sake of keeping things working. Thank you for naming this with such clarity.
I'm so glad this gave you new insights into how you can be in a sexual relationship with someone. We don't often interrogate these things enough, but I think it is important to pause and rethink, my goodness, everything.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Reading the article: “Yes, obviously no one should have sex unless they want to.”
Reading some of the comments: 😳🤢
——
In other news… y’all really need kink 🖤
Specifically, the ladies, and the gentlemen who are actually interested in pleasing a woman, would benefit greatly from experiencing the type of sexual relationship where the woman’s pleasure is centered, she is worshipped, adored, and her wishes and fantasies come alive.
And for the male individuals in the comments who are upset about the concept of consent - I wonder how you would feel about your beliefs if someone said you had to get pegged in the mouth and ass every day as a duty to your partner? Or fucked by a man even if you’re straight? Use your imagination to think of a scenario in which you would not want to have sex, and then use that thought to explore some new concepts for you: empathy, consent, and care for another human being.
Some people experience responsive desire. “Where spontaneous desire appears in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.”
Booking a holiday is not enjoyable, (and I don't enjoy the anticipation either, frankly) but while I'm on holiday it's still pleasurable. I book holidays because I have self-awareness and agency and some command over my future.
It's obvious women are still oh so every confused about the source of this sex problem and why men take the I own you stance. Of course I'm not saying a woman is owned, but without knowing what the real problem, it's almost impossible to prescribe the right course of action. A woman might for instance choose to not be partnered at all of she understands the why of the sex and that is very important because a male partner will expect the sex, expecting the woman to be his propery and the absence of it might lower the male to be murderous and dementedly abusive. A woman who knows she has a low libido would likely, in the face of that simply choose to be single. I'm saying this as one of many scenarios that can happen with the sex issue, but it can also happen with a lot of other issues that pertain to sexual relations with males. Males are simply not good to be around, period, for any woman and this advice strikes me as far too ignorant.
A+ comment but it will go over their heads.