Sex is a need for the overwhelming majority of men. Emotional support / non-sexual acts of love are a need for the overwhelming majority of women. Both have a right to expect their partner in marriage to work to meet those needs. It will never be perfect on either side because we're all human. But ask yourself if you would be ok with your husband wanting to take break from performing non-sexual acts of love to you for months on end or even years. Probably not, right?
And yes, if he's not already giving you long hugs, acts of service, backrubs/foot massages, etc. then he's falling down on the job. By extension, if you're not giving him sex then you're falling down on the job. The question you have to ask yourself is which one of you is going to decide to give sacrificially, to be the first one to proactively try to meet the other's needs and kick-start a virtuous cycle of give-and-receive? He needs to ask himself the same thing.
I would also say that for a lot of men, sex is extremely unsatisfying if the woman doesn't have an orgasm as well. It's one of the most embarrassing things for a man when he can't bring his wife to orgasm and it leaves you feeling like all you've really done is masturbate using your wife's body. It makes the whole experience distasteful. For what it's worth.
Yes, nailed it. Most men don't even want duty sex, we want to be desired. I'd rather not have it at all than her just giving it to me because she feels she needs to. Even though I know she does that because she loves me, it's not enough.
Super frustrating experience, it feels like a vicious cycle. I'm a good husband otherwise, I do all the other things women say they want, I do have a hard time being romantic and that's definitely part of it.
Why do women do this? They will make the claim that “all women are different” and yet half the reasons you keep rejecting your husband are based on some grand political make believe notions. Yeah, God forbid your husband loves you and wants to have sex with you. Why not just do the poor schmuck a favor and divorce him already and save us all the drama about how at the beginning he seemed fine with me rejecting me all the time and then he stopped initiating waiting for you and then you never do and so he becomes increasingly checked out and then your resentment and all the claims of the mental load and this and that when if you had just occasionally given him some half-assed handjob once every other month he’d begrudgingly go along with it. I see all this stuff about what he has to do to cultivate your desire. I never hear or read women discuss how they treat their husband and ways they might be a better wife. This is why I cannot take you seriously, you never say anything about what you are doing to improve your relationship. You’re just like, “Ladies, do I need to love my husband? Can’t he just like do everything I want and I do nothing that he wants? Because women are wonderful after all. He can just jack off for the rest of his life for all I care.” The big question of the day is are American Women selfish and entitled. And this essay implies yes. At no point do you ever bring up or acknowledge that he might feel differently about your constant rejection. Your claim is “He should be happy warming my feet”. And these other responses are like “You go girl”. Like I said, do him a favor and divorce him right now.
I didn’t realize I was asexual when I got married. I was sort-of evangelical at the time, so no sex outside marriage, and while I had interrogated a lot of evangelical values, I hadn’t given much thought to that one, because there was never a moment when I wanted sex. The problem of course came after I was married, and felt like I had to perform sex at least once a week. I couldn’t figure out why I would sometimes contemplate divorce to be free of sex in a marriage that otherwise made space for me.
Pregnancy and motherhood was a lifesaver, in that it gave me what I needed (desperation maybe) to take ownership of my body and stop having sex. The second half of pregnancy and first six months post partum vaginal sex was too painful, and and I just didn’t put any pressure on myself to perform in other ways. He totally laid off pressure too and stopped initiating sex. So we went 10 months with basically no sex. Now (4 years post pregnancy) we have sex when I initiate--which is when I want sex, which is typically every 4-6 weeks. I’m tuning into the quiet song of my own desire. Sex still isn’t this amazing thing for me, but I do enjoy it once in a while--and what is amazing is feeling ownership and autonomy over my own body, even within the give and take of relationships.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. This is a beautiful story of you accepting yourself and your partner allowing you to be who you are, without expectation that you fulfill a stereotype. I wish you well on your journey of "tuning into the quiet song of my own desire."
My immediate reaction is to feel bad for your fella. Low/no sex marriages crush men rather deeply. I've been there. I hope he's on board, and if so, congrats, you find the unicorn.
Well, we divorced. Was it over the sex? It certainly factored into. I agree that low sex marriages crush men. The question is, how can we socialize them so that isn't the case? So they can see their value extends beyond whether someone wants to bone? How can we let them feel loved in the multitude of other ways that can still be available even when the wife does not feel able to submit in this way?
I’m not sure you _can_ socialize most men not to want sex. It’s a basic drive and motivator. All of men’s contributions to civilization can be considered mating display. Men climb power poles in storms at night to put women’s lights back on.
Things which get a woman in the mood don’t work without a base level of attraction. Don’t marry a man you don’t actually like. You won’t be motivated to maintain it after the initial glow wears off.
An older man warned me that “A good mother will drop you like an old sock after the baby is born.” Most of us know to expect that. We also hope it will not be permanent.
Barbarians tie marriage to being a proven warrior. At some level women still want that.
Civilization harnessed men’s energy by tying marriage to work. You break that link at your peril. If you want the lights to stay on and the water to keep running, you need to encourage each other to keep up your end of the deal.
“How can we socialize them so that isn’t the case” I think we’ve already tried this. At least in progressive spaces. Men feel like monsters for wanting sex as much as we do.
That said there are a lot of people in the world there no doubt exist men like this. And there are lesbians and asexual people out there! But when you’re married to someone you have to do your best to give them what they need out of the relationship, even if it’s different from what you need.
My wife really likes me doing things for her, bringing her stuff, going to the store, making her dinner, etc. Even little things. Makes her feel cared for. Everyone’s going to be different in this respect. I don’t think we can convince people to have different needs :/
I don’t think we can convince people to have different needs but we can convince them it isn’t our job to fulfill all of them as a spouse. This is outdated thinking and I think women will stop getting married if this is the tone. I’m not saying one person has to not get their sex needs met but they should discuss how to navigate this as a couple.
I'm where that guy is now and I am almost at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do, the mismatch is serious and I love and respect my wife but I am a human being just like her. A marriage is not well when only one person's needs are getting met. I want to be there for my wife but I feel like I am starving in between.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think the current structure of marriage is broken, expecting one person to fulfill all your needs. In fact, even though I will never marry again, if I did, I wonder whether I would be more interested in an open marriage, so that each partner can go through phases of not wanting sex and it doesn't destroy their partner. They can say: this isn't a need I can fulfill right now but I understand if you want others to fulfill it. I haven't done it myself but I know couples who do, and it seems like an interesting way to address these kinds of mismatches.
Sure. A lot of it is in our heads too. I think if my wife was *unable* to have sex because of some kind of disability, that changes things. It makes it into a sacrificial act instead of a wants/needs mismatch.
I don't think it is a socialization issue. I think healthy couples have had these problems since the beginning of time.
I don’t understand why anyone would commit to someone they didn’t want to make love with regularly. I also doubt the “men always want it but women have to be coaxed” narrative. I can recall sitting with a group of young moms — all of us met at a parenting group and were nursing and/or pregnant— and complaining that our husbands weren’t as keen for sex as we were.
When you say why would you commit to someone you didn’t want to make love to regularly, I don’t think people do. The question is, are people allowed to change in their sexual desire and habits throughout a marriage. And if the answer is no, then does that require divorce? So much has changed in our understanding of what sex is for and the whole concept of consent and yet the expectations of marital sex haven’t caught up with the times. And thus we find ourselves at a loss and no real path through
A fair question. This is just my preliminary thought. At lest you released him back into the world. Question though, let’s say you didn’t, and remained a sexual desert, how would you feel if he satisfied his needs with another woman?
I think polyamory is a genius concept for this problem. I wish we had the knowledge to consider this as an option but at the time we didn’t and now it is too late. I love the idea of us not expecting one person to fulfill all our needs. As long as it is entered into with both people consenting I think polyamory can help those in marriages where there is a mismatch in desire.
Love reading this so much. At 55, married 31 years, I have realized so many things about the choices I made as a young woman and throughout my life regarding sex. I am attempting to course correct now and the men in my life can barely keep up. I am also finding that I have to forgive my younger self for systematically giving away most of my autonomy. I was so heavily influenced by my parent’s dynamic and the advice from my mom was that sex was THE most important thing in a marriage, namely being sexually satisfying to your husband. I really internalized that.
Isn’t it gross, in the year 2025 / 2025 we still have to tell man or woman - sex isn’t your duty. How little we progress yet conservatives think it’s the end of days. I hope I never have to tell my daughters, sex isn’t your duty honey. It’s okay to say no. I hope the time will progress and it’s a given she can say no to her partner. And vice versa but sadly, I’m sure we will be reading these essays for many more decades.
As a woman who absolutely loves sex and as a teacher of g-spot awakening, I want to let women and men both know that there is hope. There are ways for women/mothers to reclaim their bodies and their pleasure, and men truly need more education about how women’s sexuality works. It’s about taking responsibility for your own temple (body). When you are willing to do that, willing to invest your time, energy, and money into educating yourself about sex, to act like it matters as much (so much more even) than so many others things that we pour ourselves into—that’s when things shift and open into a whole other dimension of experience.
Good read! I think for myself and many women like me, it’s missing the role that religion has played into shaping the narrative that women cannot and should not refuse their husbands sexual desires under any circumstances. I’m not even sure it’s biblical, but widely accepted to be true.
Yeah that’s vague and appears open for interpretation. Also seems mutual in nature and not a demand upon the wife. I’m also not Christian so thanks, but not the evidence sufficient for proof.
So why do so many people have sex outside of love? Again, another individual who could have tried to gain anything from reading this but chose archaism.
I’m in the process of writing a piece on dating, sex, consent and agency, and touched on a lot of what you wrote here.
I especially love the part on responsive desire. I have a very high sex drive, but can almost feel like I am asexual at times because I have a responsive desire.
Thanks for linking all the other articles and resources. I haven’t looked into them yet, but I will take the time to do so.
This article is gold for women, and hopefully men too.
This discussion of responsive desire is so important. A couple years ago, I remember hearing the term “demisexual” to describe folks who only want to have sex with those with whom they have a strong emotional connection, and was completely perplexed as to how that would be on the spectrum of queer/asexual. The sexual standard for modern humans is people who want to bone anyone and everyone??? It would seem that some discretion as to whether someone actually cares about you as a person is a smart evolutionary adaptation. The concept of responsive desire seems like a more interesting/helpful distinction. Let’s stop “conditionizing” normal human behavior that doesn't correspond with patriarchal ideals.
Sex is a need for the overwhelming majority of men. Emotional support / non-sexual acts of love are a need for the overwhelming majority of women. Both have a right to expect their partner in marriage to work to meet those needs. It will never be perfect on either side because we're all human. But ask yourself if you would be ok with your husband wanting to take break from performing non-sexual acts of love to you for months on end or even years. Probably not, right?
And yes, if he's not already giving you long hugs, acts of service, backrubs/foot massages, etc. then he's falling down on the job. By extension, if you're not giving him sex then you're falling down on the job. The question you have to ask yourself is which one of you is going to decide to give sacrificially, to be the first one to proactively try to meet the other's needs and kick-start a virtuous cycle of give-and-receive? He needs to ask himself the same thing.
I would also say that for a lot of men, sex is extremely unsatisfying if the woman doesn't have an orgasm as well. It's one of the most embarrassing things for a man when he can't bring his wife to orgasm and it leaves you feeling like all you've really done is masturbate using your wife's body. It makes the whole experience distasteful. For what it's worth.
Yes, nailed it. Most men don't even want duty sex, we want to be desired. I'd rather not have it at all than her just giving it to me because she feels she needs to. Even though I know she does that because she loves me, it's not enough.
Super frustrating experience, it feels like a vicious cycle. I'm a good husband otherwise, I do all the other things women say they want, I do have a hard time being romantic and that's definitely part of it.
Why do women do this? They will make the claim that “all women are different” and yet half the reasons you keep rejecting your husband are based on some grand political make believe notions. Yeah, God forbid your husband loves you and wants to have sex with you. Why not just do the poor schmuck a favor and divorce him already and save us all the drama about how at the beginning he seemed fine with me rejecting me all the time and then he stopped initiating waiting for you and then you never do and so he becomes increasingly checked out and then your resentment and all the claims of the mental load and this and that when if you had just occasionally given him some half-assed handjob once every other month he’d begrudgingly go along with it. I see all this stuff about what he has to do to cultivate your desire. I never hear or read women discuss how they treat their husband and ways they might be a better wife. This is why I cannot take you seriously, you never say anything about what you are doing to improve your relationship. You’re just like, “Ladies, do I need to love my husband? Can’t he just like do everything I want and I do nothing that he wants? Because women are wonderful after all. He can just jack off for the rest of his life for all I care.” The big question of the day is are American Women selfish and entitled. And this essay implies yes. At no point do you ever bring up or acknowledge that he might feel differently about your constant rejection. Your claim is “He should be happy warming my feet”. And these other responses are like “You go girl”. Like I said, do him a favor and divorce him right now.
Ha ha. I did divorce him and I am infinitely happier.
Yeah. But for how long did you string him along?
I didn’t realize I was asexual when I got married. I was sort-of evangelical at the time, so no sex outside marriage, and while I had interrogated a lot of evangelical values, I hadn’t given much thought to that one, because there was never a moment when I wanted sex. The problem of course came after I was married, and felt like I had to perform sex at least once a week. I couldn’t figure out why I would sometimes contemplate divorce to be free of sex in a marriage that otherwise made space for me.
Pregnancy and motherhood was a lifesaver, in that it gave me what I needed (desperation maybe) to take ownership of my body and stop having sex. The second half of pregnancy and first six months post partum vaginal sex was too painful, and and I just didn’t put any pressure on myself to perform in other ways. He totally laid off pressure too and stopped initiating sex. So we went 10 months with basically no sex. Now (4 years post pregnancy) we have sex when I initiate--which is when I want sex, which is typically every 4-6 weeks. I’m tuning into the quiet song of my own desire. Sex still isn’t this amazing thing for me, but I do enjoy it once in a while--and what is amazing is feeling ownership and autonomy over my own body, even within the give and take of relationships.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. This is a beautiful story of you accepting yourself and your partner allowing you to be who you are, without expectation that you fulfill a stereotype. I wish you well on your journey of "tuning into the quiet song of my own desire."
My immediate reaction is to feel bad for your fella. Low/no sex marriages crush men rather deeply. I've been there. I hope he's on board, and if so, congrats, you find the unicorn.
Well, we divorced. Was it over the sex? It certainly factored into. I agree that low sex marriages crush men. The question is, how can we socialize them so that isn't the case? So they can see their value extends beyond whether someone wants to bone? How can we let them feel loved in the multitude of other ways that can still be available even when the wife does not feel able to submit in this way?
Imagine if someone said we had to socialize women to be less emotional or to want less romance or to want less oxygen... (last one was hyperbole).
What would you response be? Now do that while looking in a mirror.
I’m not sure you _can_ socialize most men not to want sex. It’s a basic drive and motivator. All of men’s contributions to civilization can be considered mating display. Men climb power poles in storms at night to put women’s lights back on.
Things which get a woman in the mood don’t work without a base level of attraction. Don’t marry a man you don’t actually like. You won’t be motivated to maintain it after the initial glow wears off.
An older man warned me that “A good mother will drop you like an old sock after the baby is born.” Most of us know to expect that. We also hope it will not be permanent.
Barbarians tie marriage to being a proven warrior. At some level women still want that.
Civilization harnessed men’s energy by tying marriage to work. You break that link at your peril. If you want the lights to stay on and the water to keep running, you need to encourage each other to keep up your end of the deal.
“How can we socialize them so that isn’t the case” I think we’ve already tried this. At least in progressive spaces. Men feel like monsters for wanting sex as much as we do.
That said there are a lot of people in the world there no doubt exist men like this. And there are lesbians and asexual people out there! But when you’re married to someone you have to do your best to give them what they need out of the relationship, even if it’s different from what you need.
My wife really likes me doing things for her, bringing her stuff, going to the store, making her dinner, etc. Even little things. Makes her feel cared for. Everyone’s going to be different in this respect. I don’t think we can convince people to have different needs :/
I don’t think we can convince people to have different needs but we can convince them it isn’t our job to fulfill all of them as a spouse. This is outdated thinking and I think women will stop getting married if this is the tone. I’m not saying one person has to not get their sex needs met but they should discuss how to navigate this as a couple.
I'm where that guy is now and I am almost at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do, the mismatch is serious and I love and respect my wife but I am a human being just like her. A marriage is not well when only one person's needs are getting met. I want to be there for my wife but I feel like I am starving in between.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think the current structure of marriage is broken, expecting one person to fulfill all your needs. In fact, even though I will never marry again, if I did, I wonder whether I would be more interested in an open marriage, so that each partner can go through phases of not wanting sex and it doesn't destroy their partner. They can say: this isn't a need I can fulfill right now but I understand if you want others to fulfill it. I haven't done it myself but I know couples who do, and it seems like an interesting way to address these kinds of mismatches.
Sure. A lot of it is in our heads too. I think if my wife was *unable* to have sex because of some kind of disability, that changes things. It makes it into a sacrificial act instead of a wants/needs mismatch.
I don't think it is a socialization issue. I think healthy couples have had these problems since the beginning of time.
The comments from angry men here are very triggering. They do not want to have a lively discourse. They want to rage women into acquiescence.
I don’t understand why anyone would commit to someone they didn’t want to make love with regularly. I also doubt the “men always want it but women have to be coaxed” narrative. I can recall sitting with a group of young moms — all of us met at a parenting group and were nursing and/or pregnant— and complaining that our husbands weren’t as keen for sex as we were.
When you say why would you commit to someone you didn’t want to make love to regularly, I don’t think people do. The question is, are people allowed to change in their sexual desire and habits throughout a marriage. And if the answer is no, then does that require divorce? So much has changed in our understanding of what sex is for and the whole concept of consent and yet the expectations of marital sex haven’t caught up with the times. And thus we find ourselves at a loss and no real path through
A fair question. This is just my preliminary thought. At lest you released him back into the world. Question though, let’s say you didn’t, and remained a sexual desert, how would you feel if he satisfied his needs with another woman?
I think polyamory is a genius concept for this problem. I wish we had the knowledge to consider this as an option but at the time we didn’t and now it is too late. I love the idea of us not expecting one person to fulfill all our needs. As long as it is entered into with both people consenting I think polyamory can help those in marriages where there is a mismatch in desire.
If sex is not your duty then don't get married.
Seems like you’re living up to your comment. You could have come here to learn something. Instead you choose to continue to be a rock.
Providing your wife with a house and security is not your duty.
Love reading this so much. At 55, married 31 years, I have realized so many things about the choices I made as a young woman and throughout my life regarding sex. I am attempting to course correct now and the men in my life can barely keep up. I am also finding that I have to forgive my younger self for systematically giving away most of my autonomy. I was so heavily influenced by my parent’s dynamic and the advice from my mom was that sex was THE most important thing in a marriage, namely being sexually satisfying to your husband. I really internalized that.
Isn’t it gross, in the year 2025 / 2025 we still have to tell man or woman - sex isn’t your duty. How little we progress yet conservatives think it’s the end of days. I hope I never have to tell my daughters, sex isn’t your duty honey. It’s okay to say no. I hope the time will progress and it’s a given she can say no to her partner. And vice versa but sadly, I’m sure we will be reading these essays for many more decades.
As a woman who absolutely loves sex and as a teacher of g-spot awakening, I want to let women and men both know that there is hope. There are ways for women/mothers to reclaim their bodies and their pleasure, and men truly need more education about how women’s sexuality works. It’s about taking responsibility for your own temple (body). When you are willing to do that, willing to invest your time, energy, and money into educating yourself about sex, to act like it matters as much (so much more even) than so many others things that we pour ourselves into—that’s when things shift and open into a whole other dimension of experience.
Agree wholeheartedly, AM. I love sex so much but it wasn’t like this in my marriage. It’s such a vexed issue that I see many couples struggling with.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do invest in myself quite a lot and find myself feeling quite disillusioned by modern Dating.
Women can opt out of sex the way men can opt out of marriage.
Good read! I think for myself and many women like me, it’s missing the role that religion has played into shaping the narrative that women cannot and should not refuse their husbands sexual desires under any circumstances. I’m not even sure it’s biblical, but widely accepted to be true.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Yeah that’s vague and appears open for interpretation. Also seems mutual in nature and not a demand upon the wife. I’m also not Christian so thanks, but not the evidence sufficient for proof.
Sex is a duty. Sex expressed love. We love men
So why do so many people have sex outside of love? Again, another individual who could have tried to gain anything from reading this but chose archaism.
I’m in the process of writing a piece on dating, sex, consent and agency, and touched on a lot of what you wrote here.
I especially love the part on responsive desire. I have a very high sex drive, but can almost feel like I am asexual at times because I have a responsive desire.
Thanks for linking all the other articles and resources. I haven’t looked into them yet, but I will take the time to do so.
This article is gold for women, and hopefully men too.
I look forward to reading your piece, Sara.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
This discussion of responsive desire is so important. A couple years ago, I remember hearing the term “demisexual” to describe folks who only want to have sex with those with whom they have a strong emotional connection, and was completely perplexed as to how that would be on the spectrum of queer/asexual. The sexual standard for modern humans is people who want to bone anyone and everyone??? It would seem that some discretion as to whether someone actually cares about you as a person is a smart evolutionary adaptation. The concept of responsive desire seems like a more interesting/helpful distinction. Let’s stop “conditionizing” normal human behavior that doesn't correspond with patriarchal ideals.