Here's another take from a feminist psychotherapist: You did the vast majority of childcare and unpaid household labor in your family and were responsible for the vast majority of the mental load and general emotional caretaking. You were exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't for one minute believe that you didn't "communicate" this to your husband--it was not a secret and if he was paying the slightest bit of attention to you, and if he valued the work you were doing as actual labor, he would have easily perceived your overwhelm. If he actually cared about you, he then would have offered to do his fair share, because relieving your suffering would have been his top priority. But he didn't, because he didn't pay attention, didn't perceive what you were doing as labor, and/or didn't want to give up his place of privilege and increase his own workload. He just wanted to add servicing his needs to your endless list of caretaking duties. This is why I never, ever recommend my clients (all women) seek relationship counseling. Almost all marriage counselors hide behind the language of "attachment styles" and place the onus completely on the female partner to "communicate better." This is bullshit. Men aren't stupid, they just don't want to do more work.
No, I agree that this is also a part of it. But there is also no doubt that I couldn't handle needs. I hated when he had needs and yes, maybe I didn't need to be responsible for them, but also, maybe I could have learned to also name and value you my own. But you are right, I did have needs that I did express to him and they were batted away as nuisances so of course I just learned that needs only led to more disappointment. And I've got to write this piece about the destructiveness of couples therapy because it sounds like so many people relate!
You couldn't handle it not bc of avoidance - but overwhelm! Avoidantly attached people fear intimacy!!!! You didn't fear it- you just didn't have space for it.
100% this is why I refused couples counseling with my ex. I knew he would just leverage everything we learned and the language to maintain the upper hand and continue his double standards of excusing himself while making demands of me. That's what he'd done with every effort I made to improve our relationship in the prior 10 years.
Thank you! I will check it out! My coparent coach (who I got to on my own because my ex won't join me) also has written a book about attachment style and coparenting that I need to read! https://www.aurishasmolarski.com/book/
We learned these a couple years ago. We are both anxious attachments so that helps? It is exhausting though with having a 2&4yo bc I’m anxious but also easily shutdown/dissociate from the constant touching and needs.
So. Much. Sense! I believe this is exactly my dynamic with my spouse. I recently talked to my psychologist about attachment and her comment was “ you will have different attachment styles with different people depending on the relationship history”. Which also makes so much sense because I am securely attached to my parents.
Hm…I’m not sure about this read actually. Men are increasingly anxious about their loss of privilege. Women are increasingly avoidant of giving a shit. I think that’s called progress and it’s not to do with the same psychological framework in which “attachment styles” (which are actually a bit suspect as well…) were originally born.
Thank you. I cannot tell you how enraged it makes me that marriage therapists constantly tell women they have to "communicate their needs more clearly" and become experts in their own, AND their husband's, attachment styles (because we all know the guy's not going to do the research). Women have been communicating our needs very clearly for centuries. Men simply don't care. Even the ones who claim to love us.
Absolutely this is just one piece. But I cannot tell you how validating it was to see things that in my marriage were my "issues" that needed to be fixed, or ways I was messed up, outlined via attachment style. Her description nailed our cycle so accurately that I wanted to name that. I do think maybe women are done with making space for spouses needs when the entire world expects us to carry the world on our shoulders, and that refusal to hold their shit is potentially progress.
I think similar issues were at the core of my marriage's failure, but my ex allowed his anxious attachment compulsions to turn into abuse and coercive control. I couldn't breathe and I was never doing enough, being enough, saying enough. I think he would have crawled inside my skin if he could have.
There is a lot of conversation about what avoidants could/should heal and do better at, but very little about what anxious attachments could heal in themselves. I think it's because the conversation is largely driven by the demands of the anxious and the avoidants tend to stay quiet and keep taking care of ourselves because, well, you stated it perfectly. To have needs and demands is damned inconvenient and will lead to disappointment anyway.
"I think he would have crawled inside my skin if he could have." Wow. A beautiful description of what must have felt incredibly claustrophobic. And you are right. The avoidant ones are the problem because the story we tell about romantic love is that the kind of need the anxious ones show is a signal of love, not a signal of desperate, unhealthy need and a signal that healing is needed.
Freya I also had to leave once I realized this was not just an attachment misalignment but an abusive and controlling relationship.
I do think there is some need to be careful talking about attachment styles because an anxiously attached covert abuser will use that as a cover for why they are controlling you and needing to know all the details of your life.
I don’t know that I’ve ever related to something more. Seen myself more accurately reflected. I’ve known and worked in attachment styles for some time but my anxiously attached partner has not. What you wrote feels like a translation of our entire relationship. It’s both affirming and so disarming to read. Either way, I’m so grateful for your work here! 🤍
I totally hear you. So much of the "work" falls on our shoulders and I don't think we are always ready to see things clearly. I think a lot of this comes into clarity once you are out of the weeds of early motherhood. And also, maybe one day you'll both be ready to address it. We didn't make it to that point.
I was married to an avoidant and we did attachment couples work with an EFT therapist. I was secure going in, came out…well, we’re divorced. He didn’t/couldn’t do the work. He was absolutely repulsed by needs and normal relationship requests, yep - I could see and feel it, he told me a time or two. A real don’t-fence-me-in feeling about everything. It was brutal. OTOH, I married my unfinished business. Live and learn.
We always marry our unfinished business! Honestly, being married to him made me do much deep healing work and I am such a different person on the other side of our marriage. The work to name that I wanted to divorce him was the most healing work of my life and I am so clear and happy and in touch with myself now I sometimes still sit in awe. I feel for both of us trapped in that cycle, though. And yes, they have to do their work, too. If they can't or aren't ready to, it is over. Full stop.
All of what you said - every single part. I wouldn’t do it again, but it happened, the business got attended to, and it was….well, transformative? Yes, that.
This has nothing to do with attachment styles, I'm sorry to say. Avoidant attachment is a whole different shebang and you may have it- but what you described is a man who abandoned you in your shared life and you reacted normally and appropriately. He is not anxiously attached, he is self-centered.
After reading that, I think my marriage failed because we were both avoidant. Also, I worked on myself and he didn't. So interesting to look at relationships through that lens.
Here's another take from a feminist psychotherapist: You did the vast majority of childcare and unpaid household labor in your family and were responsible for the vast majority of the mental load and general emotional caretaking. You were exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't for one minute believe that you didn't "communicate" this to your husband--it was not a secret and if he was paying the slightest bit of attention to you, and if he valued the work you were doing as actual labor, he would have easily perceived your overwhelm. If he actually cared about you, he then would have offered to do his fair share, because relieving your suffering would have been his top priority. But he didn't, because he didn't pay attention, didn't perceive what you were doing as labor, and/or didn't want to give up his place of privilege and increase his own workload. He just wanted to add servicing his needs to your endless list of caretaking duties. This is why I never, ever recommend my clients (all women) seek relationship counseling. Almost all marriage counselors hide behind the language of "attachment styles" and place the onus completely on the female partner to "communicate better." This is bullshit. Men aren't stupid, they just don't want to do more work.
No, I agree that this is also a part of it. But there is also no doubt that I couldn't handle needs. I hated when he had needs and yes, maybe I didn't need to be responsible for them, but also, maybe I could have learned to also name and value you my own. But you are right, I did have needs that I did express to him and they were batted away as nuisances so of course I just learned that needs only led to more disappointment. And I've got to write this piece about the destructiveness of couples therapy because it sounds like so many people relate!
You couldn't handle it not bc of avoidance - but overwhelm! Avoidantly attached people fear intimacy!!!! You didn't fear it- you just didn't have space for it.
100% this is why I refused couples counseling with my ex. I knew he would just leverage everything we learned and the language to maintain the upper hand and continue his double standards of excusing himself while making demands of me. That's what he'd done with every effort I made to improve our relationship in the prior 10 years.
Yes, yes, yes.
An amazing book when it comes to attachment styles in parenting is Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey Into the Science of Attachment.
I second this rec!
Thank you! I will check it out! My coparent coach (who I got to on my own because my ex won't join me) also has written a book about attachment style and coparenting that I need to read! https://www.aurishasmolarski.com/book/
We learned these a couple years ago. We are both anxious attachments so that helps? It is exhausting though with having a 2&4yo bc I’m anxious but also easily shutdown/dissociate from the constant touching and needs.
So. Much. Sense! I believe this is exactly my dynamic with my spouse. I recently talked to my psychologist about attachment and her comment was “ you will have different attachment styles with different people depending on the relationship history”. Which also makes so much sense because I am securely attached to my parents.
Hm…I’m not sure about this read actually. Men are increasingly anxious about their loss of privilege. Women are increasingly avoidant of giving a shit. I think that’s called progress and it’s not to do with the same psychological framework in which “attachment styles” (which are actually a bit suspect as well…) were originally born.
Thank you. I cannot tell you how enraged it makes me that marriage therapists constantly tell women they have to "communicate their needs more clearly" and become experts in their own, AND their husband's, attachment styles (because we all know the guy's not going to do the research). Women have been communicating our needs very clearly for centuries. Men simply don't care. Even the ones who claim to love us.
Yeah, I feel like attachment style is only one piece of a larger puzzle. Women are just less tolerant now of certain behaviors as they should be.
Absolutely this is just one piece. But I cannot tell you how validating it was to see things that in my marriage were my "issues" that needed to be fixed, or ways I was messed up, outlined via attachment style. Her description nailed our cycle so accurately that I wanted to name that. I do think maybe women are done with making space for spouses needs when the entire world expects us to carry the world on our shoulders, and that refusal to hold their shit is potentially progress.
I think similar issues were at the core of my marriage's failure, but my ex allowed his anxious attachment compulsions to turn into abuse and coercive control. I couldn't breathe and I was never doing enough, being enough, saying enough. I think he would have crawled inside my skin if he could have.
There is a lot of conversation about what avoidants could/should heal and do better at, but very little about what anxious attachments could heal in themselves. I think it's because the conversation is largely driven by the demands of the anxious and the avoidants tend to stay quiet and keep taking care of ourselves because, well, you stated it perfectly. To have needs and demands is damned inconvenient and will lead to disappointment anyway.
"I think he would have crawled inside my skin if he could have." Wow. A beautiful description of what must have felt incredibly claustrophobic. And you are right. The avoidant ones are the problem because the story we tell about romantic love is that the kind of need the anxious ones show is a signal of love, not a signal of desperate, unhealthy need and a signal that healing is needed.
Absolutely. Culturally, our definition of romantic love aligns with anxious attachment behaviors.
Freya I also had to leave once I realized this was not just an attachment misalignment but an abusive and controlling relationship.
I do think there is some need to be careful talking about attachment styles because an anxiously attached covert abuser will use that as a cover for why they are controlling you and needing to know all the details of your life.
I don’t know that I’ve ever related to something more. Seen myself more accurately reflected. I’ve known and worked in attachment styles for some time but my anxiously attached partner has not. What you wrote feels like a translation of our entire relationship. It’s both affirming and so disarming to read. Either way, I’m so grateful for your work here! 🤍
Thank you! I figured I was not alone in this dynamic and I too felt so validated seeing our patterns literally in black and white.
This sounds familiar to me but I can’t even find the motivation to do much about it. Can ya tell I’m the avoidant one?
I totally hear you. So much of the "work" falls on our shoulders and I don't think we are always ready to see things clearly. I think a lot of this comes into clarity once you are out of the weeds of early motherhood. And also, maybe one day you'll both be ready to address it. We didn't make it to that point.
I was married to an avoidant and we did attachment couples work with an EFT therapist. I was secure going in, came out…well, we’re divorced. He didn’t/couldn’t do the work. He was absolutely repulsed by needs and normal relationship requests, yep - I could see and feel it, he told me a time or two. A real don’t-fence-me-in feeling about everything. It was brutal. OTOH, I married my unfinished business. Live and learn.
We always marry our unfinished business! Honestly, being married to him made me do much deep healing work and I am such a different person on the other side of our marriage. The work to name that I wanted to divorce him was the most healing work of my life and I am so clear and happy and in touch with myself now I sometimes still sit in awe. I feel for both of us trapped in that cycle, though. And yes, they have to do their work, too. If they can't or aren't ready to, it is over. Full stop.
All of what you said - every single part. I wouldn’t do it again, but it happened, the business got attended to, and it was….well, transformative? Yes, that.
This has nothing to do with attachment styles, I'm sorry to say. Avoidant attachment is a whole different shebang and you may have it- but what you described is a man who abandoned you in your shared life and you reacted normally and appropriately. He is not anxiously attached, he is self-centered.
After reading that, I think my marriage failed because we were both avoidant. Also, I worked on myself and he didn't. So interesting to look at relationships through that lens.
yes, once one person starts to do their own work, if the other person isn't ready, it all falls apart.