“Dads need this, too, so that they can learn the calculus, so they aren’t stuck thinking parenting is addition and subtraction, simple presence in the house instead of a deep layer of emotional availability and scanning of needs that is the signal of a truly attuned parent.”
Oh my goodness!!!! This quote just put into words something I’ve been feeling but couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate. I’ve been so unhappy with the division of labor in our home as it pertains to mental load and invisible labor but I couldn’t quite articulate what I was feeling to my husband. It usually just came out as, “I need more help around the house,” which would result in a few extra loads of laundry being done or an offer to help with dinner or to dust. What I am looking for is in the quote above: “a deep layer of emotional availability and scanning of needs.” Thank for for this!!!! You have put words to what my heart and emotions were speaking to me for so long!!!! Now I know what to say when talking to my husband. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The text from your 10 year old was beautiful. My kids are 6 and 4 and I’m starting to see glimmers of it getting easier. We read Fair Play in 2022 and started talking more about division of labor but here the day after Halloween it was VERY clear yesterday my husband and I should have had a better joint plan for the day that we discussed before 3 pm. I always advocate for me to step into their power as fathers and husbands and take ownership of caregiving tasks.
When my spouse left for work yesterday, I was still snuggling our 7 year old in bed (post Halloween, no school day) and he texted me later to say “I was so sad to leave - I’d have rather stayed in bed with you guys” - which is absolutely true and valid, but what he missed was the 2 meltdowns that happened shortly after we woke up, navigating our schedule for the “day off,” trying to clean bathrooms with everyone home, meal prep and cleanup, negotiating screen time & sibling disagreements, etc etc. The “attunement” you mentioned is such a different level of parenting and I think you are absolutely right that it begins with how we raise and socialize boys!
This is brave and honest writing. I feel we need to empower men. We as women can step aside and allow men to father fully. It requires that we stop enabling the unreasonable expectations on mothers.
I went through a 4 1/2 year divorce. People have no idea. I was suffocating in my marriage because he was literally putting it all on me. He ultimately put it all on me in the divorce. It’s worse now because I have all the financial responsibility of working, and the kids 100% but he was not invested as a husband and Father. The courts allowed him to financially ruin me in the process so I not only had to start over exhausted from a marriage that I was getting nothing from but to pour into my children has been exhausting. Our society expects women to be: full time Mothers, Full time employees, full time homemakers and yet we applaud fathers for the bare minimum and wonder why we are tapped out and resentful. I am very resentful of my ex because of comments like: “I am helping you” when it comes to picking up our kids so I can work and have meetings. My oldest will go to college next year and finding out my identity is going to be interesting as I pour more into myself. My children are a huge part of my identity. Especially when they have such an absent father.
“Dads need this, too, so that they can learn the calculus, so they aren’t stuck thinking parenting is addition and subtraction, simple presence in the house instead of a deep layer of emotional availability and scanning of needs that is the signal of a truly attuned parent.”
Oh my goodness!!!! This quote just put into words something I’ve been feeling but couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate. I’ve been so unhappy with the division of labor in our home as it pertains to mental load and invisible labor but I couldn’t quite articulate what I was feeling to my husband. It usually just came out as, “I need more help around the house,” which would result in a few extra loads of laundry being done or an offer to help with dinner or to dust. What I am looking for is in the quote above: “a deep layer of emotional availability and scanning of needs.” Thank for for this!!!! You have put words to what my heart and emotions were speaking to me for so long!!!! Now I know what to say when talking to my husband. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
“Or maybe it’s so grounding that you get buried.” Wowee this is a great piece
The text from your 10 year old was beautiful. My kids are 6 and 4 and I’m starting to see glimmers of it getting easier. We read Fair Play in 2022 and started talking more about division of labor but here the day after Halloween it was VERY clear yesterday my husband and I should have had a better joint plan for the day that we discussed before 3 pm. I always advocate for me to step into their power as fathers and husbands and take ownership of caregiving tasks.
When my spouse left for work yesterday, I was still snuggling our 7 year old in bed (post Halloween, no school day) and he texted me later to say “I was so sad to leave - I’d have rather stayed in bed with you guys” - which is absolutely true and valid, but what he missed was the 2 meltdowns that happened shortly after we woke up, navigating our schedule for the “day off,” trying to clean bathrooms with everyone home, meal prep and cleanup, negotiating screen time & sibling disagreements, etc etc. The “attunement” you mentioned is such a different level of parenting and I think you are absolutely right that it begins with how we raise and socialize boys!
Really related to and appreciated this piece! Thanks for your honest writing.
This is brave and honest writing. I feel we need to empower men. We as women can step aside and allow men to father fully. It requires that we stop enabling the unreasonable expectations on mothers.
I went through a 4 1/2 year divorce. People have no idea. I was suffocating in my marriage because he was literally putting it all on me. He ultimately put it all on me in the divorce. It’s worse now because I have all the financial responsibility of working, and the kids 100% but he was not invested as a husband and Father. The courts allowed him to financially ruin me in the process so I not only had to start over exhausted from a marriage that I was getting nothing from but to pour into my children has been exhausting. Our society expects women to be: full time Mothers, Full time employees, full time homemakers and yet we applaud fathers for the bare minimum and wonder why we are tapped out and resentful. I am very resentful of my ex because of comments like: “I am helping you” when it comes to picking up our kids so I can work and have meetings. My oldest will go to college next year and finding out my identity is going to be interesting as I pour more into myself. My children are a huge part of my identity. Especially when they have such an absent father.
You might like this beautiful and candid two-part podcast on splitting the holidays; I found it interesting: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/divorce-on-planet-earth/id1439138064?i=1000460211306