Midsummer Musings

on the beauty of being in conversation rather than in competition

It is so hard as a writer to not slide in the personal hell that is comparison.

It is inevitable in this field. There is always someone else with more…books, sales, followers, podcast interviews, published pieces (don’t even get me started on recidencies). Even here on Substack, there is so much good content on mothering I sometimes wonder if my little slice will be subsumed by another. I mean, do you read

Mad Woman

and

TWO TRUTHS

and

Evil Witches Newsletter

and

the braid

and

Matriarchy Report

and

Sara Sadek

and

Dear Dilate

oh yeah, and also

In Pursuit of Clean Countertops

?

This week, I had a moment because Jean Garnett published an essay in The New Yorker (!!@!&!) on walking her twin sister down the aisle.

Shit! my comparison brain went. That’s it! Now Jean is the twin writer and there is no room for me! Despite the fact that there can be more than one writer about a subject and that there is a dearth of narrative non-fiction writing about twinness - other than the lovely Christa Parravani - and that I write about so much more than being a twin.

But alas. There it was. The insurgent jealousy.

Jean Garnett is not only an identical twin but also an editor at Little Brown and I have farfetched dreams that she and her twin sister Callie (editorial director at Bloomsbury) will get into a bidding war to acquire my forthcoming book which is why I even know who she is (also because she wrote this searing piece called There I Almost Am in The Yale Review that I quote in my book because it is so freaking on point).

Comparison tries to convince us we should all be the same, at the same stage, at the same weight, in the same genre, when we all know the world thrives in diversity and difference. That there is no one cookie cutter path to happiness but a million different ways to live a meaningful life.

It isn’t always so easy to remember this.

We can feel this kind of comparison in motherhood, too, as we watch a mother send their kid off to sleepaway camp (oh, to have a slew of days without my children! oh, to have the kind of kids who could withstand such parental separation!). Or when we chat with someone whose kid takes a three hour nap at age four. Or when we see a family whose parents are seemingly still happily married and we look over at our own fractured state and feel like we did something wrong.

These days I am comforted by the number of strong, beautiful women who are also facing the end of their marriages (of course

Maggie Smith

but also Joanna Goddard and most recently, Kelle Hampton). It reminds me that I am not alone and that even when life takes turns you don’t expect, it can all turn out alright. Even better than alright. That the hard parts of life can often be brutiful, as Glennon Doyle would say.

So I decided to reread Jean’s essay, not to see it diminish my work, but to see how her perspective could inform mine. I marveled at her way of evoking how every twin marriage has a ghost, and tying that to the fact to she and her husband now have an open marriage: “I think there was always something a little porous about our marriage, a guest room where the bed was always made, a place for you.” I realized that rather than compete with other writers (hello patriarchy!) what I want is to be in conversation with those who can deepen my own insight. That together, our words provide more light, more nuance, more wisdom. I am thinking about how much I love the conversations I have had on The Mother Lode (a series I really should have called #Women Talking). The truth is, we are not in a race or a beauty contest, despite what capitalism tries to convince us. We are part of an ecosystem where diverse perspectives enrich everyone’s lives, humankind a garden where variety only leads to more splendor. So here I am celebrating Jean for her gorgeous essay in The New Yorker and her uncanny ability to capture the nuances of the weirdness of having an identical twin. I can’t wait to see what she does next.

ICYMI:

Laura Danger being the badass she always is. #NoMoreMediocre

Equal Partnerships Are a Male Issue. Dear Dilate.

Laura McKowen (who has over 28k subscribers, but I’m not comparing!) on comparison on her Substack, Love Story.

New episodes of Bluey come out today! (I wrote about my favorite episode of Bluey here).

For paid subscribers, I shared how I’m making space for more pleasure in my life, taking the advice of Esther Perel. A paid subscription is just $5/month or $50/year and gives you access to all posts!

What Movies and Television Get Wrong About Early Motherhood. Vogue.

Finally, our country recognizes that pregnancy is a medical condition that needs accommodation. The New York Times explains what’s involved in the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act.