How to Leave
part two
“One of the hardest things to admit is that we are sometimes addicted to suffering that feels familiar. That we prefer the ache we know to the freedom we don’t. That pain becomes an identity. That endurance feels noble. That people-pleasing gets coded as virtue. That “doing the work” becomes a performance of spiritual masochism, and we are applauded for how gracefully we tolerate the intolerable.”
from “Why We Stay in Rooms We Should Leave”At the beginning of this year, I wrote my initial post How to Leave, an essay about how to emotionally allow yourself to say the words: I’m done with my marriage. If you haven’t read that one, I highly recommend you start there.
But I know granting yourself permission to leave is only half of the battle. That you can get to that point and still feel like the road before you, the actual leaving, is impossible or at least paved with land mines you’re not certain you’ll survive.
Marriage encompasses everything. Where you live. Your bank account. Your daily schedule. Where you sleep and eat. Your family. Your friends. Your community. Your past. Your present. What you thought was your future.
To upend everything requires patience, stamina, bravery and conviction.
Yet it is possible. And I have yet to meet a divorced woman who has regretted leaving. It is almost always worth it. Even women who didn’t necessarily choose divorce, like Jen Hatmaker, find themselves better on the other side.
I am not a divorce professional. I am a storyteller, a writer, a compiler of stories. And yet I understand that sometimes we need concrete advice. Thus below are some tips for how to prepare to leave.
To be clear, I did none of this. Okay, that’s not true. We did a separation. But once I decided I was done, in other words, I realized I truly wanted a divorce, not just some time apart, I told my ex, we went into the living room, told the kids and I hired the first divorce lawyer who could fit me into her schedule. Now that I’ve interviewed 15 women about their divorces, walked through the process myself, and immersed myself in the world of divorce professionals, I felt it was worthwhile to share some of what I’ve learned.
Paying subscribers also have access to my series Things I Wished I’d Known Before Going Through a Divorce, which includes posts on the challenges of mediation, how to handle the mortgage, what child support is for, the pitfalls of pulling and sharing, and why getting a divorce becomes what feels like a full-time job.
**A note to all those women who have downshifted careers or stopped working due to caretaking. I know it is incredibly scary to think about leaving when you do not currently have a way to financially support yourself. Each state sees things differently, but overall, all assets acquired during the marriage, including every paycheck either one of your earned, is considered shared. That means all savings and investments accounts. In California shared means split 50/50. In addition, spousal support and child support exist so that you will be supported during the transition. If your soon to be ex was the primary earner, or out earns you significantly, and you were married for more than 10 years, spousal support will be on the table. Be firm about expecting it. Sadly it is not mandatory, one of the reasons I suggest any wife who downshifts her career to take on most of the childcare should get a postnup that stipulates it.**
Do you have a friend contemplating divorce? Share this post with them.
If you are currently in couples therapy, reach out to your couples therapist. Tell them you’d like to start these discussions. Ask for their support and assistance in having the conversation when you are ready.
Start a retainer fund. Lawyers are expensive and often require a large retainer up front. If you and your spouse do not have significant cash reserves in your checking or savings, think about how you might fund this retainer.
What do you own of value that you might sell? Consider putting items of value up on Facebook Marketplace or Poshmark. Transfer proceeds to a venmo account and cash it out as soon as proceeds are accumulated.
Remove the diamond from your wedding ring, replace it with cubic zirconium and sell the diamond itself. Ask for cash.
Reach out to a trusted family member who might be able to front the initial retainer.
Use your debit card when making purchases and get cash back at every transaction. Save those dollars somewhere safe.
Hire a divorce coach. This can be helpful even before you have officially asked for a divorce. They will know what questions to ask as you plan your next steps, help guide you in the search for a divorce lawyer, help you determine your budget and most acute needs. Their fees are much lower than a lawyer’s so you want to get your questions answered by them, instead of when paying your lawyer. If you do not have funds to hire a coach, try and find online support groups or low-cost resources online that can guide you in your next steps. I reference
below and they offer a free 15-minute consult for women considering divorce.Sit down with your spouse for a financial state of the union. If this isn’t something you have tended to do with your spouse, you can try and find a reason. Are the kids getting older and it’s time to start 529s for college? Use that as an excuse to discuss how much you could start saving. Does your spouse want to go on a lavish vacation? Say you want to make that dream happen and just want to work together to save for the trip. Are you considering going back to work? Explain that you are trying to ascertain what the financial goals should be for the family moving forward. Ask for logins and passwords. This can also be framed as protection against untimely death. All too often the spouse who doesn’t manage the finances can find themselves unable to access funds if their spouse dies unexpectedly.
Start thinking about custody. Most states presume 50/50. Think about what a split parenting schedule might look like. Does your spouse work long hours or travel a lot for work? What is a split that might appeal to them so they can continue in their current job? When approaching the topic of divorce, it’s best to ask for what you want upfront. So it is helpful to have done some of this thinking BEFORE you initiate that conversation.
Consider a separation first. Many people wade into divorce-land with a separation. During a separation, the kids often stay in place in the family home and the spouses shift in and out, which is called nesting. Some people continue to do this during divorce. The spouse who is not in the home can either stay with family, get an Air B & B, or you can elect to share a short term rental with your spouse for the nights you are not in the family home. If you elect to share a small apartment, consider getting one bigger than your needs in case one of you decides to stay in said apartment while the other keeps the family home. Qualifying for a rental can be challenging when you are underemployed and don’t have support numbers yet. This could buy you some time before finding something more permanent but you want to have enough space to have the kids with you during your custodial time.
Think about who would move out of the family home. Do you own the home? Are both of you on the mortgage? What will happen if one of you comes off? Meet with a certified divorce lending professional who can advise on these issues. A divorce lawyer is not always up to speed on all the intricacies of lending. Sometimes tackling these difficult subjects before you make a decision can help the decision feel more possible.
Calculate support numbers. It can be helpful to run some of the numbers in terms of what kind of spousal support and child support you might be entitled to so as to be able to begin to envision what life on your own might look like. Or if you are the primary earner, you’ll be able to assess how much you’ll be paying. Many states have child support calculators available online. A divorce coach could also help you with this.
Consider increasing your work hours or going back to work full time. Even as you are contemplating divorce, it can make sense to see what career opportunities might be available once you are transitioning out of a dual parent home. While you may think that keeping the status quo is easier for the children and also could mean higher support numbers, during mediation and even in court, your spouse can ask for a vocational evaluation so as to impute you with an income you COULD be earning but are not yet. Right now you are looking to feel empowered and having a solid income can help greatly as you navigate the waters ahead.
Get your team in place. This doesn’t mean just a divorce lawyer but a therapist as well. A divorce coach as noted. Some key friends and family members who you alert ahead of time as to what is going on and that you may be needing to lean on them for support in the coming months.
Accumulate items you might need for your new home. If you think you might be the one to leave the family home, keep an eye out for free items on the side of the road, garage sales, anywhere you might be able to start building a stash for a second home for less. Start a divorce registry of what you might need to purchase for your new home and a list of friends and family you could send it to. When buying groceries or shopping at Target, buy gift cards that you save for later.
Get a credit card in your own name. Do this while you are still married so you can use your combined income to qualify. Ideally find a card where you don’t have to pay interest for the first 12-18 months. When I signed up for my own credit card during my divorce, I didn’t even clock that there was no interest for this amount of time. I had always paid my credit card bills off in full. But that perk came in handy when we stopped pulling and sharing abruptly and my ex and his lawyer came up with their own support numbers that he paid me until our MSA was finalized. I was able to carry a very large balance for almost seven months, paying it down when I could, but never paying it off fully until the perk was up which coincided miraculously with our signing of our MSA when I got a portion of our tax refund that allowed me to pay off the balance in full.
Once you’ve hired your lawyer, work with them to prepare a motion for temporary support shortly after filing. Then you can use your temporary support numbers to apply for a rental. The other option is to just keep “pulling and sharing” from your joint accounts. But this can go south quickly as noted above. I wrote about my experience here.
Once you’ve taken some of these steps, then you can prepare for the conversation feeling more stable. If you are feeling trapped, or like leaving just isn’t financially possible, empower yourself to understand your legal rights as well as some of the hard and fast numbers of what you’ll be looking at if you do leave.
For those who have gone through a divorce, what would you add to this list?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
- is so much more than a divorce registry. They have a series of free e-books including:
What to Consider When You’re Considering Divorce: A Practical Guide to Navigating the First Steps Moving Forward
Your Divorce Support Team: 250 Questions to Help You Build Your Divorce Support Team
They have a register of divorce support professionals to choose from. You can find that here. They also offer a free 15 minute consult to get you started. You can book that here.
I’ve chatted with
on two of their podcasts. You can find our conversations here and here.Rhonda Noordyk has a Divorce Checklist for Moms: What to Do Before You Leave (and What Can Wait).
Beginning in November, the wonderful
and Mindy Waller are transitioning their Stay or Leave writing and support group to Substack.
Also a beautiful reflection from
on what it takes to leave:
Did you know that liking this post, restacking it, or leaving a comment helps it find more readers? If you are reading this as an email, there is a heart button at the top and bottom of this email. Click on it and it will take you to the Substack website where you can also leave a comment or click on the arrow icon which will allow you to restack it. And the best way to support me is to upgrade your subscription to paid.
These are all great tips! Especially the credit card. I put my lawyer's retainer fee on there and because I was still being financially supported during the separation (legally required in our state), my ex actually ended up paying for my lawyer fees. And, it gives you privacy with your own spending. The only things I would add are:
1 - Get a financial advisor (not your lawyer) to help assess where things are and put a 20 year plan in place for both of you based upon alimony payments.
2 - Talk to a realtor about the financial viablilty of your home and other homes on the market in your range, as this can take a year or so to not only sell, but also find another suitable home...I very much wanted to stay in my home, but it wasn't financially feasible. Once I started to see the homes I could afford, it helped me to envision the next step.
3- Listen to Divorce Survival Podcast with Kate Anthony. There are great episodes that you can find that will speak to your individual situation.
I would just add that this very good advice will not work if you're divorcing someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, at the time I left (after 25 years), I was not aware what I was dealing with and that an entirely different playbook was necessary. Which is why my I feel compelled, ten years down the road, to work on an alternative guide.