My goodness, there is so much good stuff in here. I don't even know how to capture my thoughts in a comment. But I've been thinking about this a lot... my husband and I are now co-parenting from separate places Tues - Fri, and I honestly can't tell if my mental load is lighter or heavier. The delegation piece can get so tiring that it feels lighter, but of course, that's not really equity. The other thing that gnaws at me is that even just reading Fair Play, trying to convince my husband to read it (so far unsuccessfully), and doing the card exercise is its own form of emotional labor. I wrote a story a while back called "Explaining Emotional Labor to My Husband Takes Too Much Emotional Labor." When the burden is on us to even just convince our partners (or ex-partners, as the case may be) that emotional labor exists, it's one more friggin' thing to do!
Thank you Eve and Cindy! I love the idea of bringing the Fair Play cards into the divorce discussion. Oftentimes the non-default parent has no idea how much time and energy all these things take. And it’s crazy-making to be going through a divorce, being told you didn’t “work” as much as them, because so much of your work was invisible. It’s so helpful to have the concepts of Fair Play, and the visuals of the cards... and if I go to court I’ll be bringing them with me!
I know this post was months ago but I’m just reading it today 😊
Anyway you mention the other parent not realizing how much energy/time some tasks take. For sure! To top it off, during my marriage, I worked full time. (There were years he didn’t). Anyway, becuz I worked an office job and he worked in the trades, he would say I couldn’t be as tired as him. During the separation/divorce, he insisted I really only worked part-time becuz I only commuted to the office 2 out of 5 days. He complained that I was on the computer at night (which was because the 3 days I worked from home, the baby was home as well, so the night work was making up for the distracted daytime work.)
I don’t know if Fair Play would have helped us becuz I don’t think he has the capacity at the time to open his mind but damn, wouldn’t using Fair Play in prenuptial situations be awesome? Like marriage prep?
and especially before having kids!! my friend just got married and she was saying how excited her husband is to be a dad and i was like: you should find out exactly what he thinks that entails. first.
My goodness, there is so much good stuff in here. I don't even know how to capture my thoughts in a comment. But I've been thinking about this a lot... my husband and I are now co-parenting from separate places Tues - Fri, and I honestly can't tell if my mental load is lighter or heavier. The delegation piece can get so tiring that it feels lighter, but of course, that's not really equity. The other thing that gnaws at me is that even just reading Fair Play, trying to convince my husband to read it (so far unsuccessfully), and doing the card exercise is its own form of emotional labor. I wrote a story a while back called "Explaining Emotional Labor to My Husband Takes Too Much Emotional Labor." When the burden is on us to even just convince our partners (or ex-partners, as the case may be) that emotional labor exists, it's one more friggin' thing to do!
Thank you Eve and Cindy! I love the idea of bringing the Fair Play cards into the divorce discussion. Oftentimes the non-default parent has no idea how much time and energy all these things take. And it’s crazy-making to be going through a divorce, being told you didn’t “work” as much as them, because so much of your work was invisible. It’s so helpful to have the concepts of Fair Play, and the visuals of the cards... and if I go to court I’ll be bringing them with me!
I know this post was months ago but I’m just reading it today 😊
Anyway you mention the other parent not realizing how much energy/time some tasks take. For sure! To top it off, during my marriage, I worked full time. (There were years he didn’t). Anyway, becuz I worked an office job and he worked in the trades, he would say I couldn’t be as tired as him. During the separation/divorce, he insisted I really only worked part-time becuz I only commuted to the office 2 out of 5 days. He complained that I was on the computer at night (which was because the 3 days I worked from home, the baby was home as well, so the night work was making up for the distracted daytime work.)
I don’t know if Fair Play would have helped us becuz I don’t think he has the capacity at the time to open his mind but damn, wouldn’t using Fair Play in prenuptial situations be awesome? Like marriage prep?
I'm so sorry about your experience. Yes, I agree, having Fair Play conversations before people got married seems like a great idea.
and especially before having kids!! my friend just got married and she was saying how excited her husband is to be a dad and i was like: you should find out exactly what he thinks that entails. first.
Cindy! I met you at AWP and didn't realize this was you. I'm so glad I met you! Big fan of your work!
Yay! Yes, this is me! So glad we met in person and that we can continue our friendship over the internets. Hugs!