"Divorce is not indicative of failure but a large amount of strength"
The Divorce Diaries, 13
Who’s ready for another story of divorce?
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve shared one of these. But I continue to find so much value in the wisdom these women share in my prompts. Amazed at what even a small glimpse behind the curtain can provide. I truly believe we need these stories. If you have a friend who is considering or facing divorce, you can gift them a subscription to The Mother Lode, granting them access to all 13 of these stories as well as my series Things I Wished I’d Known Before Going Through a Divorce.
As this woman shared her story of being forced to leave the family home because her ex felt like the divorce was her decision so there was no reason for him to leave, I realized this has been a theme in several of these diaries. Women saying: I moved out because I knew he never would. Women are of course more likely to be the one asking for the divorce. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. So men feel like, well, you’re the one who’s “leaving,” justifying them staying put.
But let’s think about the amount of labor required to leave the marital home.
1) finding a rental
2) securing a rental (aka having your application accepted)
3) packing up your things
4) moving
5) buying items for the new home
6) trying to ensure your kids feel a part of the process and like your new home is their home
In addition to the labor, so many women have to grieve leaving their home in addition to their marriage, which is an entirely different kind of loss. And we all know that moving itself is an incredibly stressful and destabilizing life event.
Also please note that she, like so many mothers, downshifted her career because the demands of full-time work and childcare were unsustainable. She was a VP at a venture capital firm and yet given childcare needs, shifted to consulting after a few years. She was fortunately able to still make a full salary and be more available to her child, but this is not a small sacrifice that she made. She has now moved back into an in house job while going through the divorce because she knew she was going to need health insurance.
Meanwhile, men just keep trucking along in their career unhindered.
I’ll let her take it from here. You won’t want to miss this one.
And if you’d like to share your own divorce story, you can submit it here.
P.S. Thank you to everyone who submitted a marriage diary! I received 25 submissions in the first 48 hours so am wading through the entries and trying to determine the best way to disseminate all the juicy information provided! Thank you for taking part!
“I have a lot of privilege - I'm a white woman who makes her own money and live at a time where I can make this decision. And it was still REALLY FUCKING HARD. We live in a society that actively discourages women to be equal partners in a marriage in so many ways, and then makes it so hard to leave. I'm so glad there are places now - and still - to find each other, tell our stories, feel not so alone, and stand in our worth as fully-formed human beings deserving of respect and love.”