I'm pretty new here and wow, this just resonates so deeply. I do wonder if marriage is going extinct - some sort of massive reckoning feels like its underway. I am JUST starting to write about my experience of how my 29-year/24-married relationship came crashing down, and the level of gaslighting and anesthetizing I was doing to my own self is SHOCKING in retrospect. Equally shocking is how hard it is for me to speak my truthiest truths, it's like my ancestors and society have drugged me or something - I can have moments of panic where I feel like I'm going to get burned at the stake for just sharing what was real FOR ME. To make it all the more harder, my wasband wasn't a bad guy - I think he was also programmed into the same system I was. I now consider myself self-partnered, and honestly cannot imagine sharing my bed or my home full-time with another man for the rest of my life. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found Substack and places like this to share stories, support, and learn from one another. Thank you both so much.
This was like drinking a glass of water I didn’t even know I needed. For most of my abusive relationship I was cloaked in shame for staying whilst I considered myself such a feminist. And even defended my ex as being feminist to his sister. The cultural narratives kept me spinning in circles and his covert manipulation meant no one saw him controlling me. I am heartbroken for a society that I thought I lived in. I am fearful for a society we might be headed. I am hopeful for a society we might built if enough of us saw it for what it is currently. Thank you Cindy and thank you Kate
What an amazing and eye opening article that resonates so much with me. I wish I could share my story. I’m starting, tentatively, on my own page. I’m trying to get out of my marriage and I know that once I do, I will never be married to anyone ever again. It’s so hard with young kids but I know they’re experiencing far worse now than if I was a single, independent woman. I have no autonomy, respect or any freedom now and it’s soul-sucking. Marriage feels like incarceration.
Loved this piece the first time you published it, and love it again. Thank you! When I was going through separation and divorce, my ex and I were both seeing therapists, separately and different people who knew each other professionally. In fact, the two therapists requested they have a consultation about us, which they did with our permission. This all worked out very well. I still think about how important my initial appointments with my therapist were with regard to re-framing my thinking about the divorce. She was very clear that I deserved to reclaim my life, that I do not need to guilt myself into staying married for him, the kids, or anyone else. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have a couples therapist insist we stay married and work on it. So thankful that I found her during that time in my life. This topic is so important and never discussed. Thank you for bringing it up again!
I'm pretty new here and wow, this just resonates so deeply. I do wonder if marriage is going extinct - some sort of massive reckoning feels like its underway. I am JUST starting to write about my experience of how my 29-year/24-married relationship came crashing down, and the level of gaslighting and anesthetizing I was doing to my own self is SHOCKING in retrospect. Equally shocking is how hard it is for me to speak my truthiest truths, it's like my ancestors and society have drugged me or something - I can have moments of panic where I feel like I'm going to get burned at the stake for just sharing what was real FOR ME. To make it all the more harder, my wasband wasn't a bad guy - I think he was also programmed into the same system I was. I now consider myself self-partnered, and honestly cannot imagine sharing my bed or my home full-time with another man for the rest of my life. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found Substack and places like this to share stories, support, and learn from one another. Thank you both so much.
"self partnered" Love this and your eloquent comment on the whole.
This was like drinking a glass of water I didn’t even know I needed. For most of my abusive relationship I was cloaked in shame for staying whilst I considered myself such a feminist. And even defended my ex as being feminist to his sister. The cultural narratives kept me spinning in circles and his covert manipulation meant no one saw him controlling me. I am heartbroken for a society that I thought I lived in. I am fearful for a society we might be headed. I am hopeful for a society we might built if enough of us saw it for what it is currently. Thank you Cindy and thank you Kate
What an amazing and eye opening article that resonates so much with me. I wish I could share my story. I’m starting, tentatively, on my own page. I’m trying to get out of my marriage and I know that once I do, I will never be married to anyone ever again. It’s so hard with young kids but I know they’re experiencing far worse now than if I was a single, independent woman. I have no autonomy, respect or any freedom now and it’s soul-sucking. Marriage feels like incarceration.
This is fascinating. Women will read it and it will help them break free. Thank you Cindy and Kate for sharing.
Loved this piece the first time you published it, and love it again. Thank you! When I was going through separation and divorce, my ex and I were both seeing therapists, separately and different people who knew each other professionally. In fact, the two therapists requested they have a consultation about us, which they did with our permission. This all worked out very well. I still think about how important my initial appointments with my therapist were with regard to re-framing my thinking about the divorce. She was very clear that I deserved to reclaim my life, that I do not need to guilt myself into staying married for him, the kids, or anyone else. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have a couples therapist insist we stay married and work on it. So thankful that I found her during that time in my life. This topic is so important and never discussed. Thank you for bringing it up again!