The title of this post got me thinking. In my case, the answer to that question is “no.” Sure, we absolutely had all the same “Fair Play” issues.. But it’s ultimately not why I decided to end things.
There’s been tons of discourse around the unfair division of labor in marriages as a root cause of divorce, etc., but I have to wonder how many other divorcing women took a good hard look at their husbands one day and thought. . . I just don’t like you anymore.
In my case, no amount of domestic responsibility-sharing could obscure the fact that my husband and I had developed (and maybe always had?) a fundamental disconnect in how we approach the world that left us- almost literally-with nothing to say to each other (beyond the transactional). It hit me in waves, e.g. I remember my mom encouraging us to go out to dinner when restaurants started opening up again during Covid, and thinking, good god, I’d rather have dental work than sit across from this man for two hours.
Curious to hear from other divorcing women on this?
As noted, the Fair Play issue was just one of three key pillars of our unraveling. So my answer is also kind of yes and no. Related to the Fair Play issue was just the overall lack of understanding about what was like to be a woman in this world, a chasm that developed between my growing feminism and his unwillingness to acknowledge what our family structure had afforded him and cost me. Yes, ultimately that led to lack of respect on both sides. I also think the pandemic really made us not like our spouses. The lack of space and distance, the way many mothers were forced into roles when schools closed and the subsequent resentment, the inability to cultivate a romantic life due to shutdowns, I think led lots of us to not like our spouses. But would love other women to weigh in!
Gosh I love this thread of your work. I’m curious if you noticed differences in how much your ex engaged with chores pre marriage vs post marriage ? (Not sure if you lived together before getting married). I’m engaged right now and do not plan on moving in with my fiancé until we are married. Right now, he engages at least 50/50 with chores on nights we stay together but I have major fears about falling into this default situation where the woman in a partnership takes on the mental load of household caretaking so much more than the man. How can we ward off this dynamic ?
I think the issue was really pre-kids/post kids. But also, I had convinced myself that I enjoyed cleaning on the weekends while he went to the gym. I think I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment and having a clean house? But I look back and am like: wow, way to set yourself up for failure. I do think there is something about becoming a "husband" and becoming a "wife" that inadvertently sets you up to reenact outdated gendered roles. I think hetero marriage, if it is going to survive, needs a rebrand and we need to sunset the terms husband and wife. They are too loaded. Not sure what the solution is? Maybe just go with the ungendered "spouse"? Because otherwise, the husband slips into a role, as does the wife. It is just too much to fight against centuries of patriarchal belief systems. Only those who fight like hell to resist it can.
The title of this post got me thinking. In my case, the answer to that question is “no.” Sure, we absolutely had all the same “Fair Play” issues.. But it’s ultimately not why I decided to end things.
There’s been tons of discourse around the unfair division of labor in marriages as a root cause of divorce, etc., but I have to wonder how many other divorcing women took a good hard look at their husbands one day and thought. . . I just don’t like you anymore.
In my case, no amount of domestic responsibility-sharing could obscure the fact that my husband and I had developed (and maybe always had?) a fundamental disconnect in how we approach the world that left us- almost literally-with nothing to say to each other (beyond the transactional). It hit me in waves, e.g. I remember my mom encouraging us to go out to dinner when restaurants started opening up again during Covid, and thinking, good god, I’d rather have dental work than sit across from this man for two hours.
Curious to hear from other divorcing women on this?
As noted, the Fair Play issue was just one of three key pillars of our unraveling. So my answer is also kind of yes and no. Related to the Fair Play issue was just the overall lack of understanding about what was like to be a woman in this world, a chasm that developed between my growing feminism and his unwillingness to acknowledge what our family structure had afforded him and cost me. Yes, ultimately that led to lack of respect on both sides. I also think the pandemic really made us not like our spouses. The lack of space and distance, the way many mothers were forced into roles when schools closed and the subsequent resentment, the inability to cultivate a romantic life due to shutdowns, I think led lots of us to not like our spouses. But would love other women to weigh in!
Gosh I love this thread of your work. I’m curious if you noticed differences in how much your ex engaged with chores pre marriage vs post marriage ? (Not sure if you lived together before getting married). I’m engaged right now and do not plan on moving in with my fiancé until we are married. Right now, he engages at least 50/50 with chores on nights we stay together but I have major fears about falling into this default situation where the woman in a partnership takes on the mental load of household caretaking so much more than the man. How can we ward off this dynamic ?
I think the issue was really pre-kids/post kids. But also, I had convinced myself that I enjoyed cleaning on the weekends while he went to the gym. I think I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment and having a clean house? But I look back and am like: wow, way to set yourself up for failure. I do think there is something about becoming a "husband" and becoming a "wife" that inadvertently sets you up to reenact outdated gendered roles. I think hetero marriage, if it is going to survive, needs a rebrand and we need to sunset the terms husband and wife. They are too loaded. Not sure what the solution is? Maybe just go with the ungendered "spouse"? Because otherwise, the husband slips into a role, as does the wife. It is just too much to fight against centuries of patriarchal belief systems. Only those who fight like hell to resist it can.