Aw, thanks, Cindy. I guess what I mean by entitled is that there are/were people in my life who had a lot of advantages -- being white, wealthy (or at least not in great financial need), and educated with access to health care, etc. I think you get what I mean. I consider myself among those people (almost embarrassingly so). But I don't believe that because I had/have those advantages I get to treat those less fortunate than me poorly which is what I witness all too often.
I realize that my good fortune is just that and that it can swept away from me at any moment. So I guess I believe in karma. It's not that I believe if I am kind to people that I will reap rewards. I believe that kindness is contagious and, honestly, it just feels a lot better to come from a place of curiosity and perhaps compassion rather than from making assumptions about others' behaviors.
I don't know if that makes sense. But I wish you luck and I am glad I could offer something of value to you.
Wow, Cindy! Powerful piece. I'm not a mother and, honestly, I never really wanted to be. I think I realized I was too selfish to raise kids as it IS, as you know, a huge responsibility that I was unwilling to take on -- I had too much else to do.
That being said, as a recovering chronic people pleaser, I completely relate to what you wrote here.
I grew up in the suburbs of New York City where men AND women are often very demanding of their families and even of strangers. When they wanted something, some of the women in my life (not so much my mother) and most of the men had no problem stating their needs. One might even say they were entitled and knew it -- maybe not consciously but subconsciously for sure. I remember being embarrassed at times when witnessing their behaviors in public.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it's good to know your desires and boundaries but I also think it's important to hold to them in a kind way. Not only to those around you but also to yourself. I understand the rage -- I feel it myself at times, trust me. Be strong and defiant but please, let's do it with kindness.
I know that all sounds woo woo Birkenstock vegan political-fairness. I just think there's enough conflict in the world. We need to know how to communicate with, understand and have compassion for each other and to honor each others' needs.
What a wonderful reflection, Jodi. I love this: "it's good to know your desires and boundaries but it's important to hold them in a kind way." yes, to that, how to hold space for yourself but not also require that others constantly defer to you or accommodate the way I once did. And your mention of entitlement is interesting. What do we feel entitled to? Is entitlement inherently wrong? How can we feel entitled to something without taking away from someone else's rights? I think sometimes to exercise a muscle that feels incredibly weak I feel like I have to really shout because I've been whispering too much in my life, but I agree that the goal is balance. You've given me a lot to think about.
Wow. So true from where I sit. Sisterhood is a compliance primer. Keep the peace. We are not past peace at all costs by a long shot! Motherhood radicalizes a woman or subsumes her in a mire of busyness or it pushes her to take the middle road living as a doppelgänger on a knife’s edge accommodating. I never stopped to consider the twin’s dilemma as related training. But of course!! My mom wanted twins. When I couldn’t have a second child she told me to adopt Asian twins!! So cute!! As an infant she named me her same name and I was forever called “junior.” She dressed my four years younger sister as my twin then years later borrowed my clothes for her teacher assistant’s job at my same junior high!! Women, sisters, mothers, men, brothers, boys we must stop at nothing claiming ourselves back from compliance and stop fearing to live, me thinks! Fail, fail, fail better (Beckett) and rise—the urge to steal is coming upon me after reading this. We must steal our lives back from the margins one child, or one stampede at a time. Thank you!
Aw, thanks, Cindy. I guess what I mean by entitled is that there are/were people in my life who had a lot of advantages -- being white, wealthy (or at least not in great financial need), and educated with access to health care, etc. I think you get what I mean. I consider myself among those people (almost embarrassingly so). But I don't believe that because I had/have those advantages I get to treat those less fortunate than me poorly which is what I witness all too often.
I realize that my good fortune is just that and that it can swept away from me at any moment. So I guess I believe in karma. It's not that I believe if I am kind to people that I will reap rewards. I believe that kindness is contagious and, honestly, it just feels a lot better to come from a place of curiosity and perhaps compassion rather than from making assumptions about others' behaviors.
I don't know if that makes sense. But I wish you luck and I am glad I could offer something of value to you.
Hugs!
Wow, Cindy! Powerful piece. I'm not a mother and, honestly, I never really wanted to be. I think I realized I was too selfish to raise kids as it IS, as you know, a huge responsibility that I was unwilling to take on -- I had too much else to do.
That being said, as a recovering chronic people pleaser, I completely relate to what you wrote here.
I grew up in the suburbs of New York City where men AND women are often very demanding of their families and even of strangers. When they wanted something, some of the women in my life (not so much my mother) and most of the men had no problem stating their needs. One might even say they were entitled and knew it -- maybe not consciously but subconsciously for sure. I remember being embarrassed at times when witnessing their behaviors in public.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it's good to know your desires and boundaries but I also think it's important to hold to them in a kind way. Not only to those around you but also to yourself. I understand the rage -- I feel it myself at times, trust me. Be strong and defiant but please, let's do it with kindness.
I know that all sounds woo woo Birkenstock vegan political-fairness. I just think there's enough conflict in the world. We need to know how to communicate with, understand and have compassion for each other and to honor each others' needs.
Hugs, Cindy. Great piece!
What a wonderful reflection, Jodi. I love this: "it's good to know your desires and boundaries but it's important to hold them in a kind way." yes, to that, how to hold space for yourself but not also require that others constantly defer to you or accommodate the way I once did. And your mention of entitlement is interesting. What do we feel entitled to? Is entitlement inherently wrong? How can we feel entitled to something without taking away from someone else's rights? I think sometimes to exercise a muscle that feels incredibly weak I feel like I have to really shout because I've been whispering too much in my life, but I agree that the goal is balance. You've given me a lot to think about.
Wow. So true from where I sit. Sisterhood is a compliance primer. Keep the peace. We are not past peace at all costs by a long shot! Motherhood radicalizes a woman or subsumes her in a mire of busyness or it pushes her to take the middle road living as a doppelgänger on a knife’s edge accommodating. I never stopped to consider the twin’s dilemma as related training. But of course!! My mom wanted twins. When I couldn’t have a second child she told me to adopt Asian twins!! So cute!! As an infant she named me her same name and I was forever called “junior.” She dressed my four years younger sister as my twin then years later borrowed my clothes for her teacher assistant’s job at my same junior high!! Women, sisters, mothers, men, brothers, boys we must stop at nothing claiming ourselves back from compliance and stop fearing to live, me thinks! Fail, fail, fail better (Beckett) and rise—the urge to steal is coming upon me after reading this. We must steal our lives back from the margins one child, or one stampede at a time. Thank you!
Love that concept of stealing. It is so transgressive, one of my favorite things to be right now! Thanks for these thoughts and reflections!