My husband took four weeks of full leave and then was working from home about 10-15 hours a week until our child was 6 months old. (I started working from home 15-20 hours a week from 18 weeks postpartum).
Our child is now five and I think this arrangement has had a positive long term impact. We are equal parents, even though we don’t currently have equal caring responsibilities. I have always been able to just walk out the door without giving instructions.
There are still structural impacts that push me into the default parent role (he works fulltime inflexibly so I have to be the flexible parent) but to the extent that we experience our intimate relationships within the family, this is how it is.
It also was largely outside of our control that those were our circumstances. We were pretty broke and I think if we had the choice we would have chosen more money. So I’m glad we didn’t have the choice.
That is such a great point. I do think that we often choose money over leave because we are all stretched too thin. This is why fully covered leave is so necessary, so that no one is having to make that tradeoff.
I do also think that some of the inequal parenting is due to one parent having to take a more flexible job just due to the demands of having children and the stats say that it is often the mother who either decides to take a more flexible job or asks for more flexibility, leaving her in the position of default parent.
My husband took his full paid leave (he actually had extra time banked because of overtime so he took time off starting when I hit 38 weeks to make sure he wouldn’t be at work when I went into labor (she ended up being born at 38 weeks, 5 days). He stayed home with her during the day for 4 weeks when I went back to work (I had unpaid leave as a preschool teacher) so she started coming to school with me at 14 weeks old (at the time I worked with 3 year olds, I have now been an infant teacher since November of 2021). My husband was able to be on leave from his position as a corporal in the police department but still work off duty though so I do wonder what it would’ve been like if he had been home the entire 10 weeks I was on leave (he worked off duty jobs at night, and being up in the middle of the night by myself so often really contributed to my anxiety postpartum).
Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, having someone there to help with nights might have helped with the anxiety, but also, a big trend seems to be that father's don't wake up when the child cries so unless you nudge your partner awake, they don't get up with you? What I am finding so fascinating and frustrating is that every one cobbles together their own solution and it really leaves you unprepared for what works best. Because so few people have paid leave, I feel like it isn't something talked about (how to negotiate both parents leave to benefit your relationship and the baby). I think there might also be a trend because the days are so hard that partners return to work earlier than necessary to avoid the hell that is being home with a newborn and an over-tired wife. But then mothers feel abandoned (because they are).
My husband took four weeks of full leave and then was working from home about 10-15 hours a week until our child was 6 months old. (I started working from home 15-20 hours a week from 18 weeks postpartum).
Our child is now five and I think this arrangement has had a positive long term impact. We are equal parents, even though we don’t currently have equal caring responsibilities. I have always been able to just walk out the door without giving instructions.
There are still structural impacts that push me into the default parent role (he works fulltime inflexibly so I have to be the flexible parent) but to the extent that we experience our intimate relationships within the family, this is how it is.
It also was largely outside of our control that those were our circumstances. We were pretty broke and I think if we had the choice we would have chosen more money. So I’m glad we didn’t have the choice.
That is such a great point. I do think that we often choose money over leave because we are all stretched too thin. This is why fully covered leave is so necessary, so that no one is having to make that tradeoff.
I do also think that some of the inequal parenting is due to one parent having to take a more flexible job just due to the demands of having children and the stats say that it is often the mother who either decides to take a more flexible job or asks for more flexibility, leaving her in the position of default parent.
My husband took his full paid leave (he actually had extra time banked because of overtime so he took time off starting when I hit 38 weeks to make sure he wouldn’t be at work when I went into labor (she ended up being born at 38 weeks, 5 days). He stayed home with her during the day for 4 weeks when I went back to work (I had unpaid leave as a preschool teacher) so she started coming to school with me at 14 weeks old (at the time I worked with 3 year olds, I have now been an infant teacher since November of 2021). My husband was able to be on leave from his position as a corporal in the police department but still work off duty though so I do wonder what it would’ve been like if he had been home the entire 10 weeks I was on leave (he worked off duty jobs at night, and being up in the middle of the night by myself so often really contributed to my anxiety postpartum).
Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, having someone there to help with nights might have helped with the anxiety, but also, a big trend seems to be that father's don't wake up when the child cries so unless you nudge your partner awake, they don't get up with you? What I am finding so fascinating and frustrating is that every one cobbles together their own solution and it really leaves you unprepared for what works best. Because so few people have paid leave, I feel like it isn't something talked about (how to negotiate both parents leave to benefit your relationship and the baby). I think there might also be a trend because the days are so hard that partners return to work earlier than necessary to avoid the hell that is being home with a newborn and an over-tired wife. But then mothers feel abandoned (because they are).