Women Talking: The Divorce Registry
an interview with Olivia Driezen Howell about fresh starts, celebrating all life's milestones, and finding the support you need
Like all good connections, I first learned of Olivia Driezen Howell thanks to Instagram. She commented on one of my posts, we started a conversation, and now here we are, talking all things Fresh Starts.
When I first learned about Fresh Starts, it was connected to their divorce registry, which is a genius idea. But then I spent some time on their site and they are literally a go-to site for divorce. They have an entire Divorce Guide, an area called where to start that includes links for divorce coaches and financial planners, five books for families going through divorce, and more, and a podcast called A Fresh Story that just launched its seventh season.
They have also recently partnered with Divorce.com in hopes to streamline the divorce process. This seems to be the answer the question I’ve been asking: how do you get divorced without boatloads of money?
What I love about the work that Olivia is doing in concert with her sister, Jenny, who helped found the company, is they are making space for celebrations of life events outside of baby and marriage. They are acknowledging that we all go through life changes that require fresh starts whether it is a death in the family, relocation for a job, or yes, divorce. And that we shouldn’t have to go through these transitions alone and without support.
I’m so thrilled to share our conversation below.
How did you come up with the concept of Fresh Starts?
After my divorce in 2019, I had an aha moment. We celebrate weddings and babies with a registry, but in the moments we really need to restock our life, like divorce, job loss, or any brave decision and major life change, we need the support, both in the form of support items for your home and the experts who become our hype team. I Googled to see if anyone offered a divorce registry. However, the only information that popped up on Google was articles wondering why the Divorce Registry was not a concept. I knew there had to be a better way to support people experiencing major life changes, as they can be very overwhelming. Ultimately, I wanted to figure out how to eliminate the overwhelm by restocking your life and finding safe, vetted experts to support you.
I took the idea to Jenny, my younger sister, as we were already partners in our marketing agency. At the time, we had a full client roster and no availability to launch the new idea. However, we put it on our list to consider when the timing was right. Then, in June 2021, Jenny ended her engagement and left her apartment with nothing but our grandmother's heirlooms and her clothing, the opposite experience I had as I stayed in my marital residence and had to restock after my divorce. She moved to her own apartment on Long Island and quite literally needed everything new to build her life back up. This was when we realized the power of timing and our idea, Fresh Starts Registry. By August 2021, we had a website built and Fresh Starts Registry, the first-of-its-kind platform built to support those going through brave and bold changes, such as divorce, job changes, coming out, living through grief, and more, by revolutionizing the art of starting again, officially launched in September 2021.
I love the idea of a divorce registry. However, I know for me, I didn't tell anyone outside of my immediate family and closest friends until after I had moved. There was so much shame around the experience and I was focused on the logistics of actually getting out, finding a place to live, moving, etc. I know each divorce moves at its own pace, but to have sent out a divorce registry before I had even moved out wasn't possible. Do you have advice for women who aren't ready to go public but also might need the support of a registry?
This is so true for so many women I talk to. We believe the items on a divorce registry are support items - they are physical manifestations of the support you need and the support someone can provide to you. So, it's totally okay to build a registry and send out the link to close friends and family to ask for support. We even have simple scripts on the registry building page to help you ask for what you need! Because we are powered by Amazon, there is no red flag that this is a "divorce registry," so it's safe to send - and we do not collect user data or share your information, so it's safe and easy to ask for what you need from your small circle of supporters.
SAMPLE SCRIPT 1:
As you know I’ve been going through some big changes and you have been so wonderfully supportive. You were asking how you can help, so I put together a list of some things I really need and will make me feel supported, loved and rallied around. Of course you don’t need to buy anything, but I wanted to share this with you! Thank you so much for holding me and loving me through this big life shift!
Sometimes I wish there was a step by step guide to divorce. Like: Step 1: decide you are leaving. Step 2: tell your spouse. Step 3: determine who will move out. Step 4: look for housing and discuss with your spouse how to secure funding for a security deposit and to show you can pay the rent. Step 5: make your divorce registry. Step 6: Move! Step 7: Hire a lawyer. But again, every situation is so different, financially and in terms of whether you can even really engage in these kinds of conversations with your spouse. I think finances is one of the biggest obstacles to even taking step one. I know for me, it was incredibly challenging to rent an apartment because I didn't have much of an income and I had to imply that my support payment would cover the lease. I was lucky to find a landlord who empathized with my situation. How do you help women navigate this difficult terrain?
Gosh, it's so hard, right? Also, no two divorces are the same! First, I'd like to say that there is no divorce education in our culture, so while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, we spend our life talking about and often saving money for our weddings, but we are never told to save for a divorce! So, I highly recommend talking to your children about the very real possibility of divorce in marriages, and how we need to start saving for divorce (or other moments like divorce), throughout our life. That aside, finances play a huge role in why many women stay in marriages. I like to remind women that often, like in your case, it's really important to be upfront and honest about your situation. If you are afraid you can't pay for a lawyer, ask about a payment plan! There are options for sure. And, I recommend using any free resources to support your decision making and process during this time too. Many divorce coaches host free webinars, and we have The Divorce Guide, which is a website with a ton of support in figuring out who you need to talk to, and what questions to ask to these experts. Also, some divorce coaches have group sessions, so it's cheaper and can provide a lot of support.
How has your concept evolved since its inception? What has been the biggest surprise about the reaction and its growth?
This is a great question. When we first mapped out the concept, we knew we wanted to help people begin again, but we also knew we had to make money. So, we looked at models like Psychology Today, who charge their experts to be on the platform - and we began to model the company after this - but, as a startup, we didn't have the web traffic/name to charge enough to be on the website to make it a profitable business to live on! So, after much deliberation and talking to some trusted friends, one of our friends kindly suggested we offer people what we know how to do so well - marketing, business coaching, PR, networking, and community! So, we launched the Fresh Starts Expert Membership about a year after we actually launched - and now we have a robust community, and for $55/month, not only do Fresh Starts Experts have a profile on the website, but we have coworking, business coaching, accountability groups 5 days a week, we offer public relations, a plethora of opportunities, and a thriving and supportive community. There is no community like Fresh Starts and we adore our experts!
The biggest surprise about the reaction was how many people comment on our bodies - sadly. Every time we get a press piece, there are hundreds of comments saying "no wonder they're divorced because XYZ..." usually it's a comment on our bodies, or we have even gotten emails sent directly to us, telling my sister to cover up her chest! It's wild. But, on the positive - the reaction to helping people and supporting people has been HUGE. I get about 5-10 DMs every day from people thanking us for doing this work. Someone even called me the "fairy godmother of freedom." I'm so passionate about what we do, and changing the narrative around divorce, and shaking the shackles of shame for everyone!! Everyone deserves a safe fresh start. And we're here to change the world.
Fresh Starts recently partnered with Divorce.com. I cannot imagine being able to get divorced online, although I know some people do. I kind of assume it must be for people who a) don't have children or b) don't have complicated assets, but maybe that isn't true?
Yes, people really do get divorced online! And you can absolutely do this with kids and assets. Divorce.com has a streamlined system for all of this, and is available in all states. We have a few blog posts explaining more about their work here, and here.
One of the things I've been exploring in The Divorce Diaries is how expensive the divorce process is, and how we kind of shield all the money aspects of divorce from our wider community or network. There is still so much stigma around talking about money, especially for women. How do you try to counteract that, and what advice do you have for women who are terrified about the financial burden of divorce?
Yes, divorce is expensive - but you know what's also costly? Staying in a marriage being miserable and raising a family in a household that isn't the one you wanted for your kids. I know, easier said than done, but like I said, I highly recommend talking to multiple lawyers and seeing what they can do to help you out financially - and yes, check out Divorce.com, for sure. Their top package is under $3,000! Also, and I know this is counterintuitive, but having a divorce coach can greatly help you save money on the legal side because they will help you strategize and plan for what you want during your divorce (without having to pay a divorce lawyer’s hourly fee). I also always tell women to try to bring in any money they can; maybe it's babysitting a neighbor's kid, or maybe it's working at your children's school, but bring in something financially.
A shocking aspect of family law that I've uncovered is that for most states, spousal support isn't mandated. In other words, if a spouse rejects the idea that they should pay it, you have to take them to court to get it, which is exorbitantly expensive. How do you advise women to end up with a settlement that provides them everything they are entitled to? Is it worth it to leave money on the table to be able to get through the process more quickly?
Yeah, this is a tough one. I gave up my spousal support in order to have the house in my name. You're right, Cindy, it's not a given (unlike child support). I think this all really comes down to your own divorce and what you're willing to negotiate on. I was willing to negotiate on that because there were other aspects I would not budge on. Again, working with a divorce coach will help you properly strategize and plan here. Also, please remember, like I said, no two divorces are the same, so even though someone you know got XYZ in their settlement, it had nothing to do with your divorce (and don't let your soon to be ex say it does, either!).
As part of your partnership with Divorce.com, you just launched the concept of The Divorce Announcement. I know the closest I came to this was just a “We’ve Moved!” holiday card where I was very careful with the wording. And then of course my Plot Twists post in this newsletter. Tell me about why you feel like this was important offering.
The news of a divorce is too often fueled by gossip and rumors. But your divorce story belongs to you and you alone. The divorce announcement is a way to own the narrative and take back your story. And to remove some of the stigma and shame from it. It is a big life change that the people in your life need to know about. Our new season of our podcast A Fresh Story is all focused on how women shared the news of their divorce. This is a big moment in your life. There is no reason not to celebrate it.
Thanks, Olivia for all you are doing to bring light to the world of divorce and starting over. Here are all the ways to follow her!
Connect with Fresh Starts Registry: Instagram | Twitter | TikTok
Wow I wish I had this when I got divorced. It’s like the biggest financial crisis of your life doubled w the biggest emotional crisis, and topped by shame so you’re trying to navigate it on your own with little to no support. That’s what’s hard about divorce imo. Love that this tries to deal w all those aspects.
Wonderful, I love that this encompasses so much, the celebration and fresh starts that truly are there, as well as need to navigate so many difficulties. Thank you both!