Oof--this whittling away his business until it looks like it's not worth anything, as a move to try to keep it all to himself--resonates with me. I know at least one man who did this, with the complicity of his (male) accountant to make it all look real. I got the idea that this was a common divorce strategy with this group of men that they shared with each other. The presumption is that women are undeserving, even when they are the partner that has literally fed you and your kids!
The worst is knowing you are being gaslit while they sit there in the conference room trying to convince you that a) it isn't worth anything and b) that they'd never be able to sell it. The astonishing thing is that a little over a year after we signed the divorce papers, he sold the company for enough to allow him to buy a mansion and move out of district.
History has a marvelous laundering system for this. Her income, cooking, editing, errands and neglected body go in; his solitary genius comes out. Calling all of it “being a wife” made an entire production staff look like one unusually devoted woman.
We were just successful with a case where this happened too. The Judge saw straight through the whittling down to ashes and the wife, our client, was paid what would have been a half share of the business. This is not normal though, because she had to pay and fight and wait years in the court system. There is no clean break in that but the result, in the end, was excellent!
Yes, what is heartbreaking is that you do often have to go to the courts to get what you are entitled to. Part of what frustrates me by the legal system is that because courts are overburdened and legal fees astronomical, it means many people settle out of court and that word "settle" is intentional. Because often it means it isn't what a judge might order.
Unfortunately, at times, this continues after divorce when a man essentially leaves his family to pursue his career ambitions in other parts of the country. The former wife raises the children while trying to manage her own career, but you know how this goes -- the two, similarly educated and suited at the beginning of the marriage, separate, and his career advances while hers does not, because she's also taking care of children and a home. Would she trade her children for anything? No, but it'd be nice to be thanked by the ex-spouse as he receives the money and praise that comes along with his career advancement. He wouldn't be where he is without her. So frustrating! Thank you for this article!
Wow, this is so familiar. Thankyou for once again putting words to what so many wives go through when divorcing these men. I'm two years into the court process, and after declaring at the start that his business was worth "two tenths of nothing and sweet f*ck all", it has been independently valued at $28M. Yes, that figure is correct. A business he started after we'd been together 10 years, and then built during the following 17 years while I worked part time and raised the kids. But apparently I didn't contribute and the business is all his...
Oof--this whittling away his business until it looks like it's not worth anything, as a move to try to keep it all to himself--resonates with me. I know at least one man who did this, with the complicity of his (male) accountant to make it all look real. I got the idea that this was a common divorce strategy with this group of men that they shared with each other. The presumption is that women are undeserving, even when they are the partner that has literally fed you and your kids!
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
The worst is knowing you are being gaslit while they sit there in the conference room trying to convince you that a) it isn't worth anything and b) that they'd never be able to sell it. The astonishing thing is that a little over a year after we signed the divorce papers, he sold the company for enough to allow him to buy a mansion and move out of district.
It’s disarming how relatable this is.
But I’m grateful for voices like yours because it can be so easy to question yourself because your contribution has been undermined for so long.
Really sorry you had to go through that.
we still talk about a man’s success as though it happened in isolation.
But someone was often carrying the home, the children, the interruptions, and the thousand invisible things that made his focus possible.
Invisible labor may not show up on a résumé or balance sheet. That does not make it worthless. ❤️
History has a marvelous laundering system for this. Her income, cooking, editing, errands and neglected body go in; his solitary genius comes out. Calling all of it “being a wife” made an entire production staff look like one unusually devoted woman.
exactly! A dutiful wife is essential an overworked day laborer who continues their shift at night.
We were just successful with a case where this happened too. The Judge saw straight through the whittling down to ashes and the wife, our client, was paid what would have been a half share of the business. This is not normal though, because she had to pay and fight and wait years in the court system. There is no clean break in that but the result, in the end, was excellent!
Yes, what is heartbreaking is that you do often have to go to the courts to get what you are entitled to. Part of what frustrates me by the legal system is that because courts are overburdened and legal fees astronomical, it means many people settle out of court and that word "settle" is intentional. Because often it means it isn't what a judge might order.
Unfortunately, at times, this continues after divorce when a man essentially leaves his family to pursue his career ambitions in other parts of the country. The former wife raises the children while trying to manage her own career, but you know how this goes -- the two, similarly educated and suited at the beginning of the marriage, separate, and his career advances while hers does not, because she's also taking care of children and a home. Would she trade her children for anything? No, but it'd be nice to be thanked by the ex-spouse as he receives the money and praise that comes along with his career advancement. He wouldn't be where he is without her. So frustrating! Thank you for this article!
Oh yes, this is so true. They still get to be a father but with none of the labor involved. Meanwhile accolades and income accumulate.
Wifedom was one of my favorite nonfiction books of recent years. An absolute masterwork!
Wow, this is so familiar. Thankyou for once again putting words to what so many wives go through when divorcing these men. I'm two years into the court process, and after declaring at the start that his business was worth "two tenths of nothing and sweet f*ck all", it has been independently valued at $28M. Yes, that figure is correct. A business he started after we'd been together 10 years, and then built during the following 17 years while I worked part time and raised the kids. But apparently I didn't contribute and the business is all his...
I didn't know this backstory about Orwell. What a drag, but even more of a drag is that I'm not surprised even one solitary bit.
Yeah, he does not come off as a likeable character.