The Divorce Diaries, No. 9
"My family is still very much intact"
I don’t think many divorced people resonate with the term “broken family,” although perhaps the children of divorce do. While my family no longer adheres to the patriarchal, heterosexual, nuclear family norm, that doesn’t mean it is flawed, or wrong, or broken in any way. Yes, we are still in the growing pains stage of having our family in two homes, my ex and I often failing to grasp what coparenting entails, but I trust that in a few years time, the dust will have settled.
That is, if neither of us remarries or cohabitates with a new partner.
Bringing someone new into a family must be destabilizing for a time. But as the author of this Divorce Diaries argues, the addition of new partners only made her children’s homes more stable and her life as a working mom more manageable.
“Divorce does not break apart families. Rather, family relationships can shift for the better. My family is still very much intact, and I have the support of three other adults to raise my kids. Four parents in two households has felt much easier for me as a working mom as compared to the years when I was married.”
I can totally see that being the case. And yet there is no mention of step-children, so neither she nor her ex had more children and their partners did not add their own children to the mix. The addition of one or two adults to a family system feels much more stabilizing than introducing new siblings.
And yet, I know there are many blended families. Just like we don’t sacrifice our happiness for our children when we get divorced, we shouldn’t do so if we find someone we truly love. Our little trio works so well it would have to take a lot for me to disrupt that. I also don’t think I’ll ever choose to cohabitate again, at least not while my children are in the house (and mine aren’t truly here for that much longer in the big scheme of things).
But life is a winding road, taking me places I never expected. I think like all things, it is helpful to hold the future lightly. I have no idea what the future holds, for me, or my children. I never did, even though I thought I did when I was still married. Part of venturing into divorce is letting go of tidy narratives, holding multiples realities at one time (I need to leave, and this will be devastating for my children), being willing to live with uncertainty.
Read on for how this woman introduced her new partner, about the healing addition of pets, and how they negotiated their divorce without lawyers. And if you’d like to share your own story of blending families, please reach out.
*reminder that The Divorce Diaries are behind a paywall due to the sensitive nature of this content and to protect the women who have bravely shared their stories. Becoming a paid subscriber not only grants you access to this series but also additional paid series like Things I Wish I’d Known Before Going Through a Divorce, the ability to comment on all posts, and access to The Mother Lode chat.
Reminder that if you’d like to share your own Divorce Diary, you can fill out a form here.
Do you have a friend who would benefit from these stories and a paid subscription to The Mother Lode?