The Divorce Diaries, 12
"I want to be kind and I also want him gone"
Sometimes making the decision to divorce is the hardest part. It is the wavering, the working on the marriage, the wondering if this is tolerable or if you should go, that can be the most taxing. But no matter what, even when the decision is “made,” it takes time to unravel a joint life. And many times, that means soon-to-be exes still living together.
This can be due to questions regarding who will keep the house, if it is owned. Other times it is due to lack of affordable rental options for someone to move into. I know so many women for whom this is the case…. they are in a holding pattern, even while taking steps to divorce, as they figure out how exactly to create a life separate from their spouse. Even sharing the same bed with the person they have decided to leave.
In the diary below, it is early days in divorce-dom. They are still living together. Some of this was due to his inability to accept her choice. But as you read on, some of it is that she doesn’t know where she will move even if she is the one to leave.
“It took him a whole three months to accept that I was serious about wanting a divorce. Then another two months for him to move out of the bedroom. TBD when he will move out of the house.”
Lack of affordable housing is one of the reasons many women stay. Because saving up money for a security deposit in addition to paying a lawyer’s retainer, is too much. It just feels impossible.
But even as this woman laments how hard this is - “I am an emotional wreck even though this is what I want” - she also says she wishes she’d done it earlier.
This is the strange reality of divorce. It is both the very best and very worst thing you’ve ever done.
Read on for another account of a woman in the trenches:
Married 12 years
Kids age 3 & 7 upon separation
still cohabitating
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