Men Talking: Gay Dads
what parenting is like without the gender divide
In many of my posts on this Substack, I wrestle with how gender impacts the labor imbalance at home, i.e. how mothers, even if they work outside of the home, still undertake most of the childcare and household management (see Why I Wish I Had a Wife, The Infantilizing of Men, Why Marriage Is Never 50/50 and Why Marriage Is Bad for Mothers).
There are several reasons for this divide, including the social conditioning women receive that tells them they should swoop in and take care of things. “Women across the world are taught from a very young age to regulate, modulate, and manipulate their feelings in order to have a positive effect on the feelings of others…silently taking on necessary chores and activities everyone benefits from but no one wants to do,” Rose Hackman writes in Emotional Labor. Meanwhile, men are not socialized to care about the state of the house, to be the noticer, to feel like home and children are their purview.
So what is it like to navigate marriage and parenthood without a gender split to fall back on? Specifically when there isn’t a woman, who has been groomed to take on this work, in the household? What does the parenting experience look like when both parents are males, who are socialized to prioritize work over caretaking?
Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History, started this conversation in 2020 in the New York Times, in an article titled “How to Make Your Marriage Gayer.” In it, she unpacks martial satisfaction, incorporating some of the first data compiled on same-sex marriages.
“Researchers recently asked three sets of legally married couples — heterosexual, gay and lesbian — to keep daily diaries recording their experiences of marital strain and distress. Women in different-sex marriages reported the highest levels of psychological distress. Men in same-sex marriages reported the lowest.”
How to Make Your Marriage Gayer, The New York Times, Stephanie Coontz
The entire article is worth a read and she includes a fascinating graphic about how who does the dishes can predict martial discord. She also shares research that states that the parents who are spending the most daily time with their children are…. gay dads.
So I set out to speak to some gay dads and ask them: How did they arrive at their childcare setups? How did they navigate taking leave? What is it like to be a parent without a mom in the equation?
“Like heterosexual couples with children, same-sex parents often have one partner quit or cut back at work for a while. Gay-male couples have about the same percentage of stay-at-home parents as do heterosexuals. But same-sex couples are less likely than different-sex couples to assign “women’s work” to the partner with fewer work hours. They are also more likely to talk through their individual preferences about who does what at home. This is especially true for gay males and is probably why they express the most satisfaction with the division of labor.”
How to Make Your Marriage Gayer, The New York Times, Stephanie Coontz
One dad lives in Baltimore with his spouse and two young children and both parents work full-time. Another lives in Manhattan with his spouse and is now an empty nester. He transitioned to part-time work upon becoming a parent.
I’m grateful to these dads who opened up to me about what it is like to parent as a gay dad today.
Meet Tim Hughes Williams. Tim is a pastor in Baltimore, Maryland. He is married to Perry, who works at the corporate headquarters for Under Armour. They have two young children, and are an interracial family.
What does your household look like today? Who is in it? Who takes care of the kids?
I've been married to my husband for six years. We have a three-year-old son and 1.5-year-old son, both adopted. We both have demanding jobs, as I'm a pastor and Perry works in the corporate headquarters for Under Armour. The nature of the demand, however, is different. I have an unpredictable schedule - sometimes no meetings and sometimes lots of evening and weekend meetings. Sundays, in particular, are days that a lot of childcare falls to my husband, because our childcare arrangements are Monday-Friday by necessity. In order to compensate, I spend about 1.5 additional hours per weekday taking care of our kids, to account for his demanding 8-5pm days in a corporate environment. Our oldest is at a nursery school quite close to our house. Our youngest is in a nanny share that meets in our home, which is very convenient. We both worked at home a lot during the pandemic, so it was nice to have kids in sight.
How did you arrive at this outcome? How has it shifted over the years?
It took a lot of negotiation - and we had to renegotiate everything after we had a second child. It is still the source of a lot of tension, as my schedule changes all the time and we have to work to accommodate each other constantly. One thing that was clear from the beginning is that we both wanted to work and continue to invest in our careers. There was no pressure for us to stay at home, although we see the appeal of doing so. We didn't want to do that and we (on paper) support each other in that conviction. In actuality, it has involved a lot of juggling and compromises and stress.
How does not having a gender split in your marriage impact these discussions?
Simply put, the scripts don't apply to us. I think we are quite aware of the ghost of gender roles in the way we divide up responsibilities. Who will cook? Who is willing to clean? Who will fix broken appliances or manage our money? In some ways, you could say we are managing those tasks in ways that reflect a gender binary - just without the gender. But there is a wonderful, wonderful freedom in not having it projected upon us. It has required us to have much more explicit conversation and negotiation, for the better.
(The same was true of our wedding. We basically got to do whatever we wanted. Our moms played a much more passive role than they did with our siblings, where they had a clearer sense of what their job and authority was.)
Have you ever experienced others trying to fit you and your spouse into a heterosexual model, i.e. assuming you are the "mom" or "wife" of the relationship and he is the "dad" or "husband?"
No - because it's just not easy to do so. More often, as we are a black dad and a white dad with a black son and a white son, we are just perceived as not related to each other at all. It's not uncommon for strangers (usually women) to remark when they see us walking through the neighborhood that it is "just so nice" to see some dads out and about with their kids. Almost always assuming that we are two dads who are friends, with our wives taking a much deserved break at home. Another man just shouted out, "Here comes the dad parade!" - I'm sure making the same assumptions.
I'll note that many of my husband’s co-workers at Under Armour have wives that stay at home. And while there aren't explicitly gendered expectations placed on him or me, the company does expect him to be as productive as an employee who doesn't need to be overly involved in child care. In a work environment that is competitive and high-functioning, this is a source of anxiety. At the church, people treat my husband very differently than "the pastor's wife." There's no expectation of his involvement, which I know he appreciates!
It's not uncommon for strangers (usually women) to remark when they see us walking through the neighborhood that it is "just so nice" to see some dads out and about with their kids. Almost always assuming that we are two dads who are friends, with our wives taking a much deserved break at home. Another man just shouted out, "Here comes the dad parade!" - I'm sure making the same assumptions.
What do you wish more people knew about what it is like to parent as a gay dad?
Especially when the boys were babies, there was an inclination from (especially) middle-aged women to just step in on our parenting in a fairly presumptive way. To pick up the kids without permission, or to critique various things (that child needs a blanket!). There was a weird energy in those interactions that always left us wondering if they just felt we - two men - were fundamentally incompetent to parent. But I would imagine young mothers have a similar experience. I don't know.
How does income disparity play into how childcare responsibilities are divided? I.e. do one of you make more income than the other and does that leave you responsible for more of the childcare?
I'm sure it's no surprise that my husband makes a lot more money than me. To his credit, he is very supportive of my work and does what he can to make it possible. It's also sometimes true that he has less control over his work life than I do, because of the hierarchy of his workplace and the intensity of the work. So sometimes that takes precedence in ways that can be frustrating. But I think on the level of time, my job frequently pulls me away in precisely the windows of time where we don't have childcare. So it requires a lot of patience on all sides. It's been harder than we thought it would be.
Have you ever had people dig unnecessarily into your family makeup and feel entitled to information that is private? In other words, how can we get people less fixated on the heteronormative nuclear family structure and to understand that a family's makeup and biology is no one's business? Or do you enjoy illuminating how your family came to be?
We are learning that adopting as a same-sex interracial couple means there is no chance to pretend that we are the biological parents of our children. Adopted children who look like their parents and could plausibly be bio kids don't have to constantly explain themselves or tell people that they are related or field ignorant comments and questions from strangers. It is wild how a complete stranger like a waiter will ask questions about the children's birth mom in front of the kids, simply because they can perceive that our kids are adopted. Those moments have been painful. But we do believe that, as they age, our kids will be better off having had this immersive introduction to the complexity of family, race, and sexuality, in the context of a loving home.
I have to say that I am not overly offended by the misunderstandings, especially if it seems innocent. We are a fraction of the community (especially the parenting community) and I understand what we look like. But I do have to take a deep breath before offering clarification (or deciding whether or not to offer clarification) because I'm very aware of how our kids are hearing and understanding these interactions. We have to be completely comfortable being ourselves in front of them so we don't inadvertently shame them. And whether or not the corrected person will be gracious is always an open question. In Baltimore, they usually fall all over themselves apologizing. Less so in North Carolina and Mississippi where our extended families live!
I do think that nothing changes/challenges a person's perspective more than that disorienting moment when they realize that they've misread a situation. So I like to think we are changing our environment just by existing!
Regarding intrusive adoption questions, I've learned to just politely shut that down. When the kids were babies, their adoptions felt like our stories. Increasingly, they feel like their stories, and I'm much more careful talking about it, even with friends and family.
How did you handle parental leave or who stayed home in the early days with your children? How available is childcare in your area?
In the case of our first son, we had about a month's notice before his birth, enough time to scramble and make arrangements for paternity leave. In my case (small church pastor), there was no existing paternity leave policy, but I asked the board to adopt one. They approved me four weeks leave, which was the amount of time recommended by the Presbytery of Baltimore. Currently, there is a policy being voted on to change the national parental leave time for Presbyterian pastors to twelve weeks for men and women. But in 2019, I got four weeks paid, and Perry got four weeks paid from Under Armour. We took the first week off together as we had to travel to North Carolina and wait for the birth. We were there when James was born! It took the rest of the week to sort out the legal approval to bring him home. My husband took his three weeks first because my leave (guest preachers, etc.) is harder to pull off at the last minute. I took my three weeks next and then my mother-in-law stayed with us for another two months. A huge gift to us. After that, we joined a nanny share which met in our house. As a perk at Under Armour, my husband gets 10 days of subsidized emergency child care a year. This is an incredible benefit which we have used frequently when our regular childcare was disrupted by COVID.
The experience with my younger son was different because we found out about him on the same day he was born! It was a total crash course but roughly the same plan. Four weeks leave each, staggered, with help from our parents, until we got into a nanny share. In my younger son’s case, there were about ten days when two women from my church watched him all day because we just couldn't figure out coverage. It was hectic and we live hours away from our families but we were very lucky to have support systems, including trusted neighbors.
Childcare is a challenge in our area. We were on a waiting list for 2 years for our nursery school, from the day he was born until the day he began there, essentially. My youngest was admitted more easily because the waitlists disappeared during COVID. We essentially break even on childcare expenses and my income, but we were always completely clear that we would both continue to work, for our own ambition, satisfaction, and mental health.
One thing I will note is that Perry and I were both excited to return to work after four weeks, as much as we love our kids. I know that some people think four weeks leave is insufficient - and I support parents - especially parents who just went through labor - to have as much time as they need, and more than four weeks. But we were ready to go back to work.
We essentially break even on childcare expenses and my income, but we were always completely clear that we would both continue to work, for our own ambition, satisfaction, and mental health.
Meet Mitchell Chaitin, aka Gay NYC Dad. He lives in Manhattan with his husband and his son has recently moved out and lives in Brooklyn. You can find him on X, Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest as @gaynycdad.
What does your household look like today?
My husband and I live in our 2-bedroom apartment in Manhattan, and our son's room is now an office since he has moved to Brooklyn.
How did you arrive at this outcome? How has it shifted over the years?
I have been the primary caregiver since Day 1. There are several reasons for this: 1) My husband has never lived on his own. I had gone away to college, and eventually lived on my own afterwards in NYC for 7 1/2 years before meeting him. We fell into habits from that situation as he always had parents to look after most things. 2) I have more control issues as well as organizational skills so I tend to take charge on big decisions. I found the larger apartment so that we could be approved for the adoption. I found the daycare for our son when he was four months old. I dealt with all the school issues and applications. When I lost my job when my son was almost three, I became the primary caregiver all day. Somehow, I had the instinct better suited for this role as well as having an eagle eye for problems and safety issues. Although, today, my son refers to that as being a helicopter parent! We fell into these patterns years ago and they still work well for us, even after 31 years.
Have you ever experienced others trying to fit you and your spouse into a heterosexual model, i.e. assuming you are the "mom" or "wife" of the relationship and he is the "dad" or "husband?"
All the time. In our society, the primary caregiver, me, has generally been the "mom," so that is what I am for all intensive purposes. All that matters to me is that folks understand that that does not make me the "wife" in other aspects!
What do you wish more people knew about what it is like to parent as a gay dad?
If it comes up, and I do agree, the subject of women in a child's life is important, when there is no mom. We have always kept our son close to his grandmothers and aunts. Female role models are important, especially for male children, so that they learn to be respectful to all.
Have you ever had people dig unnecessarily into your family makeup and feel entitled to information that is private? In other words, how can we get people less fixated on the heteronormative nuclear family structure and to understand that a family's makeup and biology is no one's business? Or do you enjoy illuminating how your family came to be?
It is tough to answer that as our life is in NYC, NY where folks are extra careful to be polite, supportive, and respectful. Additionally, I have always welcomed questions from everyone as a way to teach and inform. This is why we have always chosen to embed ourselves in the full community and not move to "gay" neighborhoods. I prefer to give folks an opportunity to see our family operate with the world at large, and not stay in an insular community.
I am also a blogger and part of the dad blog community on a national level trying to educate folks in different ways, for example, not calling dads babysitters. Lastly, I love communicating with the public at large, especially when people ask about my wife, and I say yes, my wife is great and their name is Peter!
How did you handle parental leave or who stayed home in the early days with your children? How available is childcare in your area?
We did not take parental leave; we juggled our schedules and had help from both sets of grandparents. I was part time in the office and could work at home, and my parents came in to babysit until our son started Kindergarten (during his tenure in daycare, they still came in every Wednesday and took him home at noon to be with him).
I did not go back to work, but rather segued into becoming a blogger so I could work on my own schedule. I had always wanted to write his adoption story which you can read here.
I love communicating with the public at large, especially when people ask about my wife, and I say yes, my wife is great and their name is Peter!
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FURTHER READING:
Shannon Carpenter in The Atlantic (gifted link): I Still Get Called Daddy-Mommy
Lyz Lenz on why the Washington Post column on marriage is wrong.
“A Family Like Ours:” Portraits of Gay Fatherhood, David Dodge, The New York Times.
This was so fascinating to read! So much for heterosexual couples to learn about how these gay dads parent--the freedom of not having certain roles projected onto them! That graph made me grimace, though. I was the wife who was the sole income earner in my marriage and that did NOT mean my husband did more of the childcare and household labor. We are now divorced, but only after three decades. I am pretty sure the gay couples you profile here wouldn't have put up with that imbalance for so long. That gender divide goes DEEP.