Adventures of Getting on the Apps
read along as I create a dating profile in real time
Well, reader, is it time? Do I dare to venture onto dating apps?
To remind you, I moved out of my family home in February 2023. That was over two years ago. During that time I have gone on one blind date (you can read about that here). Otherwise, I kept thinking about putting myself out there but life was very full. There just wasn’t time. I didn’t have the bandwidth. If I had met someone appealing in person (who wasn’t already married) I might have acted on it. But I don’t know if it is because we are all barely treading water or due to the pandemic, but I’m not sure where everyone is getting their “meet-cutes” these days.
When I watched Netflix’s Nobody Wants This with Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, I felt frustrated because I could not tell you the last dinner party I was invited to that had a mix of married and single people. I can’t tell you the last dinner party I was invited to! My school district has fundraising parties that fellow parents put on, but I don’t think any divorced dads are really attending those. Plus I’m not sure a fellow parent at my kids school is really what I’m after. (But Adam Brody definitely is).
I know I could be working harder to meet someone IRL. I saw some advice on the internet to show up to a dinner with girlfriends early and sit at the bar. But I’m always late to things, never early. It sounded good in theory. But it just wasn’t happening.
I even discussed creating my own singles mixer with a mom friend of mine. We used to organize our co-op preschool’s fundraiser together and then planned a local protest in the wake of Trump Presidency #1. She was newly divorced and we joked that we should just compile a list of all the single divorced people we knew and we could make our own little meetup. (In fact, seeing how successful my Substack meetup was with very little effort, this still seems like a viable option). But our dinners to plan keep getting rescheduled because kids, and work, and divorce, and life.
So here I am. It is April 2025, over two years since I left. And I think it’s time for me to get back out there.
I don’t do this because I want a partner, or a boyfriend, or a new husband. I do this because I know this part of my life was never fully developed. I was an evangelical during my adolescence, until I met my ex-husband. Thus I shamed the part of me that wanted, that flirted, that desired attention. All of that could send me to hell.
There is a part of me that has been tucked away, even during my marriage. I want to give her some breathing room.
There has only been one time I “dabbled” in the apps and by dabbled I mean I created a profile with a photo of my cats and a nickname, just so I could scroll and see what was available.
I did this with two girlfriends after a viewing of Babygirl. And as I hinted at here, I loved Babygirl. Watched it twice. As soon as I came out of the theater, I said: I think I want to be Babygirl.
No, that does not mean I want to be in a position of power where my subordinate tells me what to do. If you haven’t seen Babygirl, I recommend it. It has a lot less graphic sex than you think. There is no bondage. Instead, a young man is able to ascertain what an older woman wants. He attunes to her untapped desires, in fact, her unconscious desires, and helps her name them. He does not do this because it gets him off. In fact, throughout the movie, it felt like the whole scenario had very little to do with his pleasure. He was centered on her and I found that very, very hot.
Perhaps what felt so appealing was the scenario was the inverse of what we have been taught heterosexuality is all about: men wanting, woman acquiescing, their pleasure and desires secondary. No, her pleasure and her desires were the entire fucking plot.
So after viewing the movie a second time with a friend who has familiarity with the app world, she said: girl, you could be babygirl tonight. And we downloaded Feeld so I could see what kind of toggles are available which would signal that I wanted an experience like Kidman in Babygirl.
But no I didn’t communicate with anyone on it, and after that night, and hiding the app so my children couldn’t see it, I never logged on again. It was more sex focused that I was ready for. I knew if I did enter the dating and sex world, it would need to be slow.
But where to start? There are so many apps! Bumble and Hinge and Tawkify and Coffee Meets Bagel. Match (too old) and Tinder (not my vibe) and OkCupid (ew, I’m not here for “love”). Stir is just for single parents! Plura is for people practicing ethical non-monogamy. Her is just for women.
To determine which app would work best, I’d need to figure out what I was looking for. Just sex? Feeld seems ideal. Hinge is said to be great for getting you off the apps, in other words, it helps you find a serious relationship. But I don’t really know what I want. I think I want to see what it feels like to be out in the world as a woman who is available. Who has agency and choice. Who isn’t trying to be a good girl.
There are times when I read posts like this from Rebecca Woolf and wonder what I am getting myself into. I don’t want this to be a time suck, these apps drawing me in like all the other squares on my phone. Yes, I am interested in getting out there. But if I don’t find anyone interesting, I will not be devastated. If no one appeals, I will be fine.
At first I thought I’d start with Hinge, but the truth is, my goal isn’t to secure a serious relationship and I worry that I’d be a disappointment to the men on there who are looking to settle down (good lord, I’m here to fuck shit up!). But neither am I looking for casual sex. I feel like I want this in between thing that I’ve yet to even define to myself. How do I communicate that to others?
So I just downloaded Bumble. This is the app where women make the first move. Sounds about right. But even as I start to create my profile, my doubting begins. They ask for my name. I put Cindy. Then the next screen says: Cindy is a great name. Um, okay? Was I supposed to create something cutesy, like Loves Books in Bed? I’m only on the second screen and I already feel like I’m screwing this up!
I’m putting the rest behind a paywall but if you are interested in walking through the experience of creating my dating profile with me (which also includes me having to google which direction to swipe if I’m interested), upgrade and read on! How many people did I swipe right for on my first go? Who do I really want to find on the apps (hint, he’s a fictional character…)?