Falling in Love

does entering a relationship require an abdication of your freedom?

I posted a Note recently about the joy I’ve seen exuding from Mother Lode readers when discussing their divorces and the freedom and autonomy they are now experiencing. In response, I received this comment from Valentina Petrova:

It would be interesting to see how they feel after some time has passed. Many people, as excited as they are to get divorced, rush into another serious relationship within a year. Which calls into question the “independence and freedom” part of their enthusiasm.

My response:

I wonder at your assumption that you cannot be in a relationship and have independence and freedom. I waited a long time to date, but for some women, the fact that they can discover what it feels like to be in a relationship that preserves their autonomy and freedom is some of what is so revelatory.

Valentina Petrova went on:

It’s not an assumption. Being in a relationship makes you “interdependant” which is not the same as independent or dependent. These are nuances, and they matter. Same with freedom. Anyone can have a certain degree of freedom in a good relationship, but that’s not the same as total freedom when alone. Give and take, mutual consideration, and care are all built into good relationships, and at the same time, they are a voluntary constraint of freedom. You just can’t have it both ways if you want to have a good relationship. And clearly, from the stats I pointed out in another comment, “people” show a preference for interdependence and constraint freedom, or else they won’t be going right back into a relationship 0-13 months post-divorce, on average, and remarried on average 3 years later.

[ED NOTE: the stats via ChatGPT seem to imply that 54% of women remarry. That still leaves about half who do not and that number increases with age. Women over 50 are much less likely to remarry. And the data seems to imply 15-30% of women get into a relationship within the first year.]

I think perhaps we mean different things by relationship. What I am noticing is, post-divorce, women are not interested in a traditional relationship per se. They don’t want to re-partner, they don’t want to cohabitate. So the relationships they are pursuing have, baked into them, a good bit of independence. Perhaps at some point I will be interested in interdependence and I can certainly see how it would be healthy for me to learn interdependence as opposed to codependence. But right now, I am pursuing a relationship where there is both independence and freedom. Perhaps to you that would mean it isn’t truly a relationship. But to me, it is. As women post-divorce, we are relearning how to be in a relationship without losing ourselves. So for a time, it may mean a relationship that has very, very different terms than the “traditional” format.

This whole discussion made me think of the phrase Glennon Doyle uses when describing her love with her wife Abby. She says she feels held and free. That’s what I want. I just don’t know how to get there.

These days, I find myself trying to determine if I can be in a relationship and retain my autonomy and freedom. And yes, this means, I have found someone new.