The two times we tried couples were nearly useless. To be fair, they aren't trained to do arbitration. They are trained to treat the "relationship" not the people. I sat silently through session after session thinking his narcissism and defensiveness and emotional immaturity would be obvious, and when she tried to call me out on things it was weak, like she was grasping for equal treatment. The assuming both people want emotional connection and responsibility in the relationship is so key. Even the Terry Real school, which claims (if you read his books) sort of exorcisms for the aggravating party in the marriage isn't robust enough, and may be kind of a scam but at least its not the equal failure approach most therapists take. Its a total waste of time and money.
I am 100% here for this conversation. The revictimization that occurs in these situations can be so unbelievably confusing, debilitating, and dangerous. Thank you for writing and publishing this piece. 🧡
I wish I had a lot to add on this subject, but mostly I'm here to say that I'm incredibly glad you're covering this. I have so many thoughts but they're not super well-informed. I think there's a lot of damaging behavior that happens in relationships before people know to recognize it as abusive - and that is likely behavior that can be intervened upon in therapy - with the RIGHT therapist. Then there is purposeful manipulation and abuse, so it's a whole mess!
Thank you for your comment. I was incredibly nervous putting this out for the same reason. My thoughts are still forming but I still want to take the time to name what I am hearing and bring it to public consciousness. So thank you. I would welcome additional thoughts from you when they form!
I’m so incredibly grateful for you writing this and speaking it out loud for us all. Being in therapy with an abusive partner is a master class in self doubt and self abandonment. The model of therapy for couples needs an update or something as there are so many people out there who can’t leave their marriage. Also, I truly believe in my heart, that some (certainly not all) of these abusive partners want to change and want to do better, but somehow our current model of therapy just doesn’t seem to get through. I don’t know what the block is, and heck, maybe I’m being naive (wouldn’t be the first time! 🤦🏻♀️), but these people are losing out on important connections with others because they’re so damn caught up with themselves!! It’s a hurtful, damaging, and harmful mindset they have and it’s wreaking havoc on the rest of us. We know that they’re just going to do the same thing to someone else after we leave, and what then, right?! Why does this feel like it’s something new on the therapy radar when this mindset is as old as time? I don’t know, just on a rant during my lunch break… 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you for your thoughts. I wonder about the requirement that both people be in individual therapy in concert with the couples therapist? I wonder also about truly training couples therapists in gaslighting and in particular when the blame is shifted. This happens so often and is so insidious and soul-destroying. Also you have named a topic I know I need to write about. When women cannot leave. It is so common and I don't think it is talked enough about as a caution for those entering marriage.
I have been in family therapy in the past with a family member (not my spouse). I quit after a few months because of some of the same reasons that came up in "When Couples Therapy Turns Cruel." This relationship was familial, so we did not have the partnership dynamic, and the therapy itself did not feel abusive, but it certainly didn't improve the relationship. But I'm commenting here because what I noticed in our sessions is that the therapist has to validate both clients in the room. If they validate just the person who they think is right, they will erode the trust of the other client and also create a 2-against-1 dynamic. At least, that's my impression of how a couple's therapist must see it, and the bind that puts them in. That's why I'm excited for your interview with Chelli Pumphrey. I'm curious to know what she will say about the structure and training of couples therapy, and if this has something to do with why she quit offering couples therapy. If the training is teaching them that they have to validate both people in the room in order to create enough trust for the therapy to work, then what does a therapist do when they apply their training in real-world situations where both clients in the room are not showing up in good faith?
From my personal experience, my husband and I were both in individual therapy in conjunction with couples therapy. Our couples therapist was open to communicating directly with our individual therapist to make sure we were all working towards the same goals. I immediately signed off on the release of information so she could talk with my therapist, but he refused. I was disappointed that our couples therapist didn’t encourage him to sign the ROI or at least give him specifics to work on with his couples therapist, but she didn’t. And when he started coming in telling us that his personal therapist decided I was emotionally abusive (despite having never met me or spoken to me or our couples therapist), our couples therapist did a very eloquent job of explaining why she wouldn’t characterize me in that way. So, yes, I think with typical relationships that just need a tune up, having individual therapy can also be helpful. But, under the conditions of our marriage, I believe my husband weaponized therapy to fit his priorities (which, for whatever reason, was not our marriage).
This exact thing happened to me. He said his therapist thought I was abusive. He totally weaponized couple and individual therapy the whole time to be the victim. I never should have trusted the process.
Omg, I’m so sorry to hear this was your experience, too!!! It’s so defeating and feels like there’s just no room to grow together, when that’s all we are really looking for, right? Their loss in the end, though! These guys… they’re their own worst enemies!
We had a marriage therapist who asked how I expected to have a good relationship if we never had sex. I refused to go back for another session.
The two times we tried couples were nearly useless. To be fair, they aren't trained to do arbitration. They are trained to treat the "relationship" not the people. I sat silently through session after session thinking his narcissism and defensiveness and emotional immaturity would be obvious, and when she tried to call me out on things it was weak, like she was grasping for equal treatment. The assuming both people want emotional connection and responsibility in the relationship is so key. Even the Terry Real school, which claims (if you read his books) sort of exorcisms for the aggravating party in the marriage isn't robust enough, and may be kind of a scam but at least its not the equal failure approach most therapists take. Its a total waste of time and money.
I am 100% here for this conversation. The revictimization that occurs in these situations can be so unbelievably confusing, debilitating, and dangerous. Thank you for writing and publishing this piece. 🧡
Thank you for sharing and spreading the word. ❤️
I wish I had a lot to add on this subject, but mostly I'm here to say that I'm incredibly glad you're covering this. I have so many thoughts but they're not super well-informed. I think there's a lot of damaging behavior that happens in relationships before people know to recognize it as abusive - and that is likely behavior that can be intervened upon in therapy - with the RIGHT therapist. Then there is purposeful manipulation and abuse, so it's a whole mess!
Thank you for your comment. I was incredibly nervous putting this out for the same reason. My thoughts are still forming but I still want to take the time to name what I am hearing and bring it to public consciousness. So thank you. I would welcome additional thoughts from you when they form!
I’m so incredibly grateful for you writing this and speaking it out loud for us all. Being in therapy with an abusive partner is a master class in self doubt and self abandonment. The model of therapy for couples needs an update or something as there are so many people out there who can’t leave their marriage. Also, I truly believe in my heart, that some (certainly not all) of these abusive partners want to change and want to do better, but somehow our current model of therapy just doesn’t seem to get through. I don’t know what the block is, and heck, maybe I’m being naive (wouldn’t be the first time! 🤦🏻♀️), but these people are losing out on important connections with others because they’re so damn caught up with themselves!! It’s a hurtful, damaging, and harmful mindset they have and it’s wreaking havoc on the rest of us. We know that they’re just going to do the same thing to someone else after we leave, and what then, right?! Why does this feel like it’s something new on the therapy radar when this mindset is as old as time? I don’t know, just on a rant during my lunch break… 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you for your thoughts. I wonder about the requirement that both people be in individual therapy in concert with the couples therapist? I wonder also about truly training couples therapists in gaslighting and in particular when the blame is shifted. This happens so often and is so insidious and soul-destroying. Also you have named a topic I know I need to write about. When women cannot leave. It is so common and I don't think it is talked enough about as a caution for those entering marriage.
I have been in family therapy in the past with a family member (not my spouse). I quit after a few months because of some of the same reasons that came up in "When Couples Therapy Turns Cruel." This relationship was familial, so we did not have the partnership dynamic, and the therapy itself did not feel abusive, but it certainly didn't improve the relationship. But I'm commenting here because what I noticed in our sessions is that the therapist has to validate both clients in the room. If they validate just the person who they think is right, they will erode the trust of the other client and also create a 2-against-1 dynamic. At least, that's my impression of how a couple's therapist must see it, and the bind that puts them in. That's why I'm excited for your interview with Chelli Pumphrey. I'm curious to know what she will say about the structure and training of couples therapy, and if this has something to do with why she quit offering couples therapy. If the training is teaching them that they have to validate both people in the room in order to create enough trust for the therapy to work, then what does a therapist do when they apply their training in real-world situations where both clients in the room are not showing up in good faith?
From my personal experience, my husband and I were both in individual therapy in conjunction with couples therapy. Our couples therapist was open to communicating directly with our individual therapist to make sure we were all working towards the same goals. I immediately signed off on the release of information so she could talk with my therapist, but he refused. I was disappointed that our couples therapist didn’t encourage him to sign the ROI or at least give him specifics to work on with his couples therapist, but she didn’t. And when he started coming in telling us that his personal therapist decided I was emotionally abusive (despite having never met me or spoken to me or our couples therapist), our couples therapist did a very eloquent job of explaining why she wouldn’t characterize me in that way. So, yes, I think with typical relationships that just need a tune up, having individual therapy can also be helpful. But, under the conditions of our marriage, I believe my husband weaponized therapy to fit his priorities (which, for whatever reason, was not our marriage).
This exact thing happened to me. He said his therapist thought I was abusive. He totally weaponized couple and individual therapy the whole time to be the victim. I never should have trusted the process.
Omg, I’m so sorry to hear this was your experience, too!!! It’s so defeating and feels like there’s just no room to grow together, when that’s all we are really looking for, right? Their loss in the end, though! These guys… they’re their own worst enemies!