"Being tied for life to the person who betrayed you is excruciating"
The Divorce Diaries, 7
In the wake of this election, I wrote on Instagram that sharing our stories is a feminist act. Thus it feels like an appropriate time for another installment of The Divorce Diaries. For those who are new here, this is a series where I interview women anonymously about their divorces. Despite the slate of divorce memoirs, I still feel very little is shared about the process of divorce, the nitty gritty of custody arrangements and child support negotiations. These posts are behind a paywall for their privacy, so they can be more open, and because these stories have value. We talk about how much they spent in legal fees, what they wish more people knew about divorce, how divorce impacted their career, alimony, and more. If you’d be interested in sharing your own story, click here.
The woman featured in this diary separated when she had a ten-month-old and a two-year old. And she names something that is particularly painful for those who divorce and have children. When you have children with your ex, you can never really feel free of them. From the constant hand offs, to questions about medical issues or vacation schedules, because your ex is the father of your children, they are still part of your family. One of the parts of divorced parenthood I worry about is seminal moments like graduations and weddings being awkward due to interactions with not just my ex and whomever he has probably married by then but also my ex-in-laws who I haven’t seen since we split. Maybe things will have settled by then. Maybe we will be amicable and spend time together comfortably, and those days won’t be filled with triggers and awkwardness. We will see (someone tell me it gets better??!?!).
I know some divorced men move to other states and sacrifice any physical custody of their children, which is its own kind of hard, and I’d never choose that for my children. But the amount of steeliness you must develop as an ex-wife who still faces her ex-husband multiple times a month (or week) is exhausting.
Due to the young ages of her children, and her ex’s substance abuse, this mother was incredibly concerned about being able to keep the children for all nights until they were older since she was breastfeeding. I cannot imagine going through a divorce with kids so young, and feeling terrified about the kind of care they would receive when they were with their father. Yet this is the reality for many women. They send their children to their co-parent with a pit in their stomach.
Read on for how she got through, and what she has learned.
“The first two years of my divorce were pure adrenaline trying to stabilize my family, help my kids adjust, and keep my job.”